


Begin Again

by millsx



Category: One Direction
Genre: Break Up, How to Fix a Broken Heart, M/M, Photographer! Harry, Slow Burn, accountant! louis, but not really, kind of coffee shop au, larry au, larry stylinson - Freeform, this is finished I just can't figure out how to mark it as complete send help, ziam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:33:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23855422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millsx/pseuds/millsx
Summary: “Thank you. For everything,” Louis mumbles as the credits roll. “I don’t think I would have made it out of the mess my life was a few months ago without you”“I’m a pretty great friend, aren’t I?” Harry jokes, and Louis punches him in the arm.“Sorry,” Harry laughs, “You’re welcome. Sometimes you just need a little help, and that’s okay.”Louis doesn’t refuse when Harry pulls him into a hug and lets himself drown in the soft fabric of Harry’s sweatshirt. He could stay like this forever.The one where Louis tries to get over the worst break-up of his life when cute barista Harry stumbles into his life, forcing Louis to question what he really wants. Or rather, who he really wants.
Relationships: Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson, Larry Stylinson, Louis Tomlinsen/OC, Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	1. Summer

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys!  
> this fic was heavily inspired by taylor swift's song "begin again" and countless other songs.  
> a quick heads up: jay and fizzy will be included in this au as it is set around 2014/2015. i never know whether i should include them or not as i really want to be respectful and not cross a line, so please keep that in mind and maybe let me know what you think about this.  
> criticism is always welcome, so please tell me when I made a mistake!  
> also, this might be me dealing with my own break-up and is based on my experience with heartbreak and fucked up feelings.  
> I hope you all are safe during these times, and enjoy!  
> mills x

_stop checking on them.  
they don’t miss you_

Louis’ eyes flicker back and forth between the bright yellow sticky note taped to the edge of his bathroom mirror and his own face. Looking in the mirror has become his least favorite part of the day. It’s been two weeks, and even after getting out of bed, taking a hot shower and starting to eat regularly again, the bags under his eyes are dark and wan. 

He sighs and then makes himself read the sticky-note out loud. 

“He doesn’t miss you,” Louis tells himself. Which, he doesn’t actually know. He blocked and deleted his number when they broke up. He still knows it by heart, though. 

The words make his stomach churn and his heart twist and something inside him still rebels against them, even though he knows that they’re right. 

“He does not miss you, Louis. So stop wanting to check on him” 

His ringing phone interrupts his thoughts and Louis tears his gaze away from the post-it, now trying to localize his phone. 

When he finds it, a picture of Zayn and him is on the screen. It was taken a few years ago on a night out and the quality of it is shitty, but Louis still loves it. 

“Hi,” he picks up while wrestling a shirt over his head. 

“Hi, Lou. How’re you doin’?” Zayn’s voice sounds through the speaker. 

“All good. What’s up?” 

“I’m at Liam’s. D’you wanna come over, hang out?” 

Louis rolls his eyes. They always do that. Invite him along when it’s just the two of them hanging out, just so he doesn’t feel completely alone. To be honest, he isn’t exactly sure if it makes him feel better or worse. 

“Yeah, sure. Give me twenty minutes, alright?”, he answers anyway, already sliding into his worn-out Vans. 

Outside, the air is bursting with dry heat, sun baking the asphalt. Even though Louis just showered, he feels hot and sweaty again by the time he reaches the tube. The train itself is stuffed, filled with students and stressed-looking adults in business attired. Louis feels kind of glad he’s currently on vacation, which means he can at least avoid wearing hot suits in this weather. 

He gets off a few stations later, walking the last part to Zayn and Liam’s apartment. He texts Zayn to buzz him in, and a minute later he’s standing in their small apartment. Even though it is the size of a shoebox, Louis wouldn’t mind living here. The ceilings are high, and the floorboards are made out of dark wood, giving it a lot of depth. Louis’ favorite thing is the small patio facing that gets a lot of sun even during winter. 

“Come on, we’re outside. Li made cocktails” 

In fact, a topless Liam is basking in the sunshine, feet in a plastic laundry basket filled with water and ice cubes. 

Louis sits down beside him, stripping off his shoes and putting his feet next to Liam’s. Zayn hands an icy drink to him as he plops down on Liam’s other side, resting his chin on Liam’s. 

“Ew, get off me, you’re all sweaty,” he immediately complains before pushing Zayn away with his elbow. 

“When are you going back to work?”, Liam then asks Louis. 

“Monday. Thank you for reminding me,” he answers, not really annoyed but maybe a little. 

“That’s good, isn’t it? You’ll get you mind off of… things” 

“Oh, you mean it’s better than sitting in fucking London when I was actually supposed to be chilling on the Bahamas with a Piña Colada in my hands?” 

Here’s the thing. Louis knows this was completely uncalled for and he knows he’s being a bitch right now. And he knows that Liam and Zayn are just trying to help and definitely not at fault here, but it all just _hurts_ and it pisses him off and he just wants it to stop and he’s mad and upset and being a bitch kind of helps. 

“Hey, c’mon. I didn’t mean it like that, you know that” Liam’s voice is caring and he softly rests his hand on Louis’ bicep. 

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just real fucking ironic, innit? He’s the cheating bastard and I’m at home while he took the trip anyway,” he says dryly and proceeds to take a sip of his drink. 

“He deserves to drown in the hotel swimming pool if you ask me,” Zayn pipes in and Louis lets out a sarcastic huff. 

“That he does,” Liam agrees. 

*

Going back to work on Monday sucks. It’s still fairly hot and after two minutes on the tube, Louis already feels like he’s going to melt in his suit. 

One thing to be grateful for, though, is the office gossip. Thanks to facebook groups and e-mail chains, everyone already seems to know about his nasty breakup and therefor he isn’t asked about that or his “vacation”, which, really, is a great relief. 

Liam also seemed to be right about the thing with getting his mind off of things. Burying himself in work and busying his brain with numbers leaves no time for thinking about – no. He won’t even _think_ that name. He needs to start getting over him at one point in his life, so why not start now? 

During lunch, he catches up with a few colleagues about what he missed while he was gone and jokes about the new intern that got lost this morning on their way to get coffee. 

He texts his mum on the way back to his desk to assure her that _yes, he’s doing okay_ and that he’ll call her as soon as he’s back from work.

On his way home, he stops at a hipster coffee shop because he feels like he just walked through the Sahara-desert and not downtown London, even though it is already half past five and therefore not as hot as it probably was around midday. 

Stepping into the cool air of the coffee shop, he notices that it’s fairly empty. Usually, when he comes in in the morning, it’s packed with people just like himself on their way to work. Right now, there’s a group of teenagers crouched over textbooks while sipping on iced coffee in the back, but apart from that it’s pretty empty. 

“Hi there, what can I do for you?”, the barista asks from behind the counter, and Louis quickly scans the menu hung on the wall. 

“Iced tea, please. Large?” Louis doesn’t know why his order sounds like a question, but he chooses not to dwell on it. 

“Alright, that’d be three pound fifty. Anything else?” 

“No, that’s all,” Louis says as he hands him the money. 

While the barista prepares his order, Louis watches him. He’s got his brown hair pulled into a man bun and Louis can see how his muscles move through the back of his short. 

“There you go,” the barista hands him his drink and – was that a fucking wink? No, nu-uh. Louis was not staring. He wasn’t. 

“Thank you,” he offers him a tight smile and then walks out of the coffee shop faster than ever. 

He only notices that there is a phone number signed with “Call me. Harry” scribbled on the brim of the plastic with black marker when he’s almost home. Not thinking about it twice, Louis throws the cup into the rubbish bin nearby. 

He ends up calling his mother just like he promised as soon as he unlocks the door to his apartment, and while talking to her, he manages to actually clean it for the first time in almost three weeks. 

Her sweet and caring voice on the other end of the line helps him to not throw a temper tantrum or break down as he puts away some of his ex’s stuff. A few t-shirts, two hoodies, some cups and a stupid indie-band poster. They never lived together as Louis worked in London and Dylan, his ex, in Bristol but over the years, he’s accumulated his fair share of things at Louis’ place. To be fair, Louis already broke and destroyed most of his stuff two and a half weeks ago when they first broke up. 

*

“You need to go out with us, Louis. We haven’t been out together in ages. Plus, you’ve been holed up in your apartment for the last month or so and it’s time you get your ass out there again at one point,” Liam argues. 

Louis rolls his eyes. He’s sitting on his couch, knees pulled up to his chest. Liam is sat on the other hand of the sofa, a bottle of diet coke in his right hand. 

“It’s not even been a month,” he counters weakly. Watching telly and feeling sorry for himself just sounds more compelling to him right now. Not that he would ever admit that. 

“Louis. You can’t keep this up forever, it’s not good for you. You know that” 

“Ugh, I hate you,” Louis groans and gets up. 

“Love you too. I have an appointment at the hairdresser in half an hour, so I need to get going. Zayn and I are picking you up at nine, you better be ready. If not, we’ll drag you out of your little cave” 

“Sod off”

*

It’s a quarter to nine. Louis looks at his reflection in the bathroom mirror once again. 

_Stop checking on them, they don’t miss you_ , the neon yellow note tells him once again. Louis nods. Maybe Liam is right, and he needs to get out of the house more and… he doesn’t know what exactly it is he has to do to get over Dylan. Because up until now, nothing he tried has worked yet. But going out might be a start. At least Louis hopes so. 

His phone chimes with a text from Zayn, telling him that they’re outside. Louis sighs, grabbing his wallet and his keys on the way out. 

Zayn is leaning against the wall, smoking, when Louis steps out of the house. Liam is talking to someone over the phone and signs for them to wait a second while he finishes. 

“Who’s he talking to?”, Louis asks, stealing the cigarette out of Zayn’s fingers and takes a drag himself. 

“I think it’s his sister,” Zayn replies and watches as Louis exhales the smoke. 

“I thought you quit,” he adds in an afterthought. 

Louis shrugs. “Desperate times call for desperate measures” 

“You’re a dumbass,” Zayn tells him at the same time as Liam hangs up the phone and calls out, “Let’s go”, therefor ending the conversation about Louis’ smoking habits. 

With a stop for burgers at a street food vendor, it takes them about forty minutes to get to the club, and even then, they have to wait in line for a while. Louis wishes he was drunk already. Or at least tipsy. 

It takes him exactly twenty-three minutes to get there once they are inside. Zayn met some of his university friends at the bar, and now they’re all hanging out with them, ordering shots and drinks in a record-breaking time. 

The music is so loud that Louis can feel the bass booming through his entire body, it’s hot and sweaty and his alcohol level is high enough that he doesn’t give a shit anymore. 

He’s dancing with a guy he doesn’t even know, bodies pressing up against each other and he does not care. 

Finally, Louis ends up losing track of time. When he checks his phone, it’s already half past one in the morning, and there’s a text from Zayn from ten minutes ago telling Louis that Zayn took Liam home after he ended up almost throwing up. 

“’Got you another one,” the guy he was dancing was a while ago is now back with two shots in his hands, and Louis smirks as he clinks their glasses together before throwing his head back. The alcohol burns in his throats and for the first time in weeks, Louis feels kind of feels like himself again and not like a part of him is missing. 

Louis eyes up the face of the guy. Green eyes, prominent chin and jawline, long hair framing everything. His lips curl into a smirk, causing a dimple to from. Looking back, Louis isn’t sure why he did what he did, but next thing he knows he’s surging forward, burying his hands in brown hair and crashing their lips together. 

After that, it’s like his mind is going blank. He can’t form another clear thought in his brain, everything he can think of is either _yes, yes, yes_ or _oh my god_ or _more_. 

“Let’s get out of here,” he then says, surprised that he can remember how to form coherent sentences. 

“Sounds good,” the other guy drags him towards the exit, and Louis lets him.

They get into a cab, and Louis watches as he tells the driver an address. 

Up until now, Louis has had a more or less strict policy against making out in public places or in the back of cabs, but he couldn’t care less as he leans over to kiss him again.   
“’M Louis, by the way”

“Harry” 

And then there are hot lips on his neck, sucking and biting and Louis bites down on his own lips so hard he thinks they might start bleeding. 

*

Louis wakes up with a throbbing head. He’s in a bedroom that looks very different from his own, pictures all over the walls and windows facing east. Which is kind of the death of him right now as the bright light doesn’t do much to help soothe his headaches. 

It takes him a little to recall the events of last night, and when he does, he has to suppress a groan. Shit. Why did he think that was a good idea? 

To his convenience, the other side of the bed is empty which gives him at least a little time to think about what he’s supposed to do now. 

He could try to sneak out. Louis dismisses the idea instantly, there’s too much left-over alcohol in his blood for him to do that. Also, Louis prides himself with thinking that he’s a somewhat decent guy. 

The door opens before he can think of something else, and Harry – Louis is kind of glad that he remembers his name – comes in, holding a glass of water and a packet of what looks like aspirin. 

Louis sits up against the headboard of the bed, pulling the blanket up to his chest. 

“Figured you might need this,” Harry says, handing it over to Louis. 

“Thanks” God, this is awkward. Louis wants to jump out of a window. 

“So, uh,” Harry starts as he retreats to his dresser, pulling out a shirt and putting it on. 

Louis uses the chance of Harry not looking to get out of bed and starting to get dressed himself. 

“This is a reach, but, uhm, would you wanna get dinner some time?” Harry asks, right as Louis wriggles into his pants. Jesus, he hates skinny jeans. 

It makes him stop in his tracks. He clears his throat and runs a hand through his hair. 

“Oh. Uhm, look. I don’t mean to be a total dick, but I’m not really looking for anything right now? I just got out of a pretty long relationship and, uhm, dating anyone wouldn’t be a good idea, I think.” Louis stops as he notices that he’s starting to ramble. 

Harry blinks at him a few times from the other end of the room. 

“That’s – uh. It’s okay. Thanks for being honest, though” 

“Yeah,” Louis says, offering a small smile. 

*

“Lou, honey, is this a hickey?” 

“Uh, no?” Louis self-consciously runs a hand over his neck. How the hell did his mother spot his hickey over facetime? Usually, the picture is so pixelated that you can’t make out anything. 

“Do you think you’re ready to date again? It hasn’t been that long, honey,” she says cautiously. 

Louis groans, burying his face in his hands. 

“’M not dating anyone” 

Jay just looks at him, a stern look on her face. 

“What do you want me to say? It was a one-time thing, okay?” he snaps. 

“You know I’m just worried about you,” she says. “I’ve been there, Louis. And it sucks and it hurts, and I just want to make sure you’re okay” 

“Does it ever stop?” Louis asks, voice quiet, “Hurting, I mean” 

The sad smile on his mother’s face makes his heart sting. 

“Eventually. Time heals everything” 

“It’s just so messed up. I should hate him, and I do. But there’s thing one, _one_ part of me that,” he shrugs helplessly, “that still misses him and wants him back. I know I shouldn’t. But I do” 

His eyes start burning and internally, Louis begs it to stop. He’s so done. He doesn’t want any of this anymore. 

“Oh, honey. I wish I could be with you right now” 

Something about talking to his mum about this makes Louis feel like he’s a little kid again that fell off his bike and wants his mother to give him a space-themed band-aid and kiss it better. He wishes it would work this way. 

“Trust me, darling. You’ll be fine in a while. It’s okay to feel this way right now, you’ve been with Dylan for four years. I’d be very worried if you were able to get over a relationship that long in a matter of weeks” 

“I’m so sick of this,” Louis sighs. “I don’t want to feel like shit anymore” 

*  
A week later, Louis stops by the coffee shop on his way to work. The line is pretty long, and for a second he’s thinking about just going to work without coffee. On second thought he remembers that he doesn’t have a meeting until ten, so no one will notice if he’s a little late today. 

It takes five minutes for the line to move up which Louis uses to check his mails and text back Zayn about some kind of festival Liam and he want to go to. 

“Good morning, what can I – Oh. Hi, Louis” 

He looks up from his phone, eyes directly meeting Harry’s. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Louis mutters underneath his breath. “Hi. Didn’t know you were a barista,” he then says, forcing himself to smile. 

“Uhm, actually, yes. I’ve served you before” 

“Oh, that was you?”

Louis is kind of glad when someone behind him complains about the long wait, making Harry move. 

“Can I get a cappuccino to go?” Louis asks. 

“Coming right up”

As Louis wants to hand him the money, Harry shakes his head and says, “Nah, it’s on the house” 

“Harry, you can’t do that” 

“Actually, I can. Just let me be nice, yeah?” 

“Thanks, I guess,” he answers, frowning. He’s pretty sure that Harry is flirting with him, and Louis isn’t exactly sure that he likes that. After all, he rejected him a few days ago and he’s still not willing to start dating anyone. 

“There you go” Harry comes back with a smile on his face a little later and a paper cup in his hand. 

“Thank you. Have a nice day,” Louis forces himself to say. A cute guy just bought him a coffee after all, and the least he can do is be nice. 

As Louis notices right before he walks into his office, Harry scribbled his number on the paper cup once again. This time, instead of ignoring it, Louis quickly snaps a picture of it before he throws the empty cup away. 

*

“Are you gonna call him?” Zayn asks, taking a sip from his beer. 

Once again, they’re sitting on Liam and Zayn’s patio in the evening sun, catching the last rays of sun after work. Liam is at the grill, barbecuing their dinner. 

“I don’t know. Probably not,” Louis tells him nonchalantly. “I told him I just got out of a relationship and even though he’s nice and all that, we all know I’m not ready for that” 

“Maybe you should’ve told him that _before_ you had sex him,” Liam jokes and Louis flips him off. 

“Was it good, though?” Zayn asks. Louis can’t tell if he’s being serious or not. 

“C’mon, you can tell us,” Liam jumps in. 

“I hate the both of you so much,” Louis huffs, hugging a decorative pillow. 

“We’re waiting,” Zayn chirps. 

“Ugh,” Louis groans. “I was drunk. But yes” 

Liam snorts and Zayn suggestively wriggles his eyebrows, causing Louis to kick him in the shin. 

“It’s just,” Louis sighs, “He’s nice, yeah? And I don’t want to be a total asshat and, you know, talk to him and maybe even go on a date or something and then push him away because I’m not over Dylan. Which I’m definitely not and it’s going to be a long-ass way until I am. If I ever am” 

“When did you become such a nice guy?” Liam asks, but Louis knows he doesn’t mean it. “Where did the snarky little bitch go you usually are?”

“Oh, shut it. I’m never hanging out with you again” 

Zayn empties his beer and gets up. Louis watches fondly as he walks over and hugs Liam’s waist from behind, chin resting on his shoulder. 

In the beginning, seeing Zayn and Liam act this way around each other hurt like shit, but as of now, Louis doesn’t mind. It’s disgustingly adorable how affectionate and domesticated they get around each other. 

*

It’s 5am, and Louis is tossing and turning. He slept for about four hours at best and now he’s wide awake. He lets out a defeated groan and shuffles out of bed. It’s still very warm in London, even during the night. Walking through his loft to get a glass of water from the kitchen, he suddenly feels very lonely. 

Most of the time, he’s able to busy himself enough with work or is hanging out with Liam and Zayn that he doesn’t feel like this but right now, Louis really, really misses Dylan. 

“He doesn’t miss you,” Louis makes himself say out loud and he feels the oh so familiar tug in the pit of his stomach and the clenching of his heart. How he wishes that none of this ever happened. How he wishes everything was alright, how he wishes he was still happy and in love. 

“He cheated. He doesn’t deserve you missing him,” he tries to convince himself but it’s not really working. 

Deciding that he won’t be able to fall asleep now anyway, Louis retreats to the bedroom, changes into active wear and actually goes for a run. 

London at five in the morning is actually pretty peaceful. The streets are quiet and the sun just rose and everything is tinged in this beautiful shade of dark blue fading into something lighter. If Louis wasn’t a notorious late riser, he might have had considered getting up this early every day. 

By the time Louis took a shower in his en suite, got dressed and ready to go, it’s still only half past six. He takes the tube to get to work but stops at the coffee shop. It seems like fate is in his favor for once as it’s already open. 

As he walks in, a bell that Louis never noticed before chimes, announcing him to the staff. 

“Hi, Louis,” Harry greets him from behind the counter. 

“Oh, hi. Can I get a cappuccino and, uhm, a breakfast bagel?” 

“Sure thing. Why don’t you sit down?” Harry points to a table near the window, and Louis shrugs. Might as well. He needs to get some work done anyway. 

By the time his laptop is turned on and he’s started working on the first document, Harry comes back with a cup and a plate. 

Instead of just placing the food in front of him, Harry sits down at the table as well. 

“What do you work as?” He asks curiously. 

“Uhm, I’m an accountant? Which, aren’t you supposed to be working right now?”

“Nah, I’m taking a break. So, accounting?”

“Yeah,” Louis shrugs sheepishly, “’ve always been good with numbers” 

“Can’t relate. I almost failed math multiple times” 

Louis laughs a little, smiling at Harry. 

“Hey, uhm. I’m sorry I never texted you or something. Like, you’re real nice, but, you know. ‘M still not really worked through that breakup” 

“Don’t worry, it’s fine,” Harry says in a tone that seems pretty sincere. “We’ve all been there” 

“Yeah, getting cheated on is just real fucking great,” Louis mutters and takes a bite of his bagel. 

“Oh, you got cheated on? I’m sorry” 

“Yeah. We were together for more than four years and one day he’s just like _I gotta tell you something_. Literally right before we were supposed to go on this really great vacation together. Turns out he wanted to take his side-piece instead” 

“You’re kidding” 

“I wish I was. Anyway, it is what it is” 

“Shit,” Harry lets out a breath. “What a dick”

Louis isn’t sure what it is about Harry, but he somehow wants to tell him everything. 

“I guess. The weird thing is, until that day I really thought Dylan was, you know, one of the good ones. Really kind, funny, caring. All that shit. Whatever. I’m sorry I’m boring you with all this crap about my ex” 

“You’re all good. I was kind of asking for it.” 

“I highly doubt that. Thanks for listening, though” 

“You’re very welcome. Look, I gotta get back to work, but if you want we could hang out some time. In a totally platonic way, of course,” Harry’s voice is sincere and his facial expression is kind.

“I’d like that. I’ll text you, I still have your number”   
“Oh, so you _did_ keep it after all”

“Don’t you have to make coffees or something?” 

*

The first time they actually hang out, it’s at Louis’ place. 

Harry shows up wearing black sweats and a grey, soft looking hoodie. Which is great, as Louis wasn’t so sure about whether he was going to be judged for wearing sweats but there was no way he was going to force himself into jeans after a long day of wearing a suit. 

“I’m a shit cook, so I just ordered some Indian food,” Louis explains as he points to the Styrofoam boxes on the coffee table. 

“That’s okay. I love Indian” Harry flashes a bright smile before making himself at home on Louis’ couch. 

They eat the food while watching television, which is when Louis notices that Harry has the most hilarious cackle for a laugh and also has the worst sense of humor, laughing about anything and everything. 

During commercials, they flip through the channels, stopping at a new episode of _How To Get Away With Murder_. 

“Oh my god, I love this. I need to text Gemma, she loves this show,” Harry exclaims excitedly, sitting up straight. 

“Gemma?” Louis asks as the intro starts playing. 

“My sister. We watched the first season together, she’s obsessed” 

“Well, she’s not the only one. I pulled an all-nighter to finish it.” Louis doesn’t tell Harry that he watched it while facetiming with Dylan. 

“Can’t blame you. It’s so good? And Viola Davis is _killing it_ ,” Harry exclaims excitedly and Louis nods. That she is. 

“Gemma says she’s watching it as well. Traitor” 

“How is she a traitor?” Louis asks, laughing. 

“She didn’t tell me!” 

Somehow, things are just easy with Harry. He seems so careless and he’s able to distract Louis from his thoughts, preventing him from going down a spiral of missing Dylan. 

It’s not like it doesn’t happen at all. Of course, there are nights where Louis can’t help but scroll through his photos and look at the ones of them together, and it’s like every time he does that, his heart starts breaking all over again. There are nights where his brain is spinning and spinning, wondering about what Dylan is doing now, whom he’s with, where he is. How he feels. 

But then there are texts from Harry with stupid memes and knock-knock jokes and videos of him annoying his roommate, Niall. There are late-night phone calls of talking about their families and friends for hours. There are movie nights and watching music videos, dancing stupidly and screaming the lyrics to old Taylor Swift songs at the top of their lungs. There are hugs and physical affection when they hang out and deep conversations and Harry telling Louis that it’s okay to miss what he had and to remember the good times, but how he also deserves someone who is attentive and honest and _good _. And somewhere in the midst of all this, Louis feels for the first time like he can actually be okay.__


	2. Fall

“ _Mum_! I don’t need you to set me up for dates, okay?” Louis calls out, exasperatedly waving his hands around, even though he is perfectly aware that she can’t see him through the phone. 

Harry looks up from his own phone with a bemused look on his face and Louis flips him off. 

“I’m just saying, it could be nice for you to meet new people. I’m not asking you to marry him,” Jay argues, causing Louis to roll his eyes. 

“Thanks, but no thanks. I’m not going out with that guy”

“Are you sure? I could send you a picture, I think he’s very handsome,” Jay says, voice sickly sweet. 

“Yes and _no_. Alright mum, I’ll talk to you later, yeah?” 

“Of course, have a nice day. Love you” 

“Love you too,” Louis mutters, hanging up. To Harry he says, “Can you believe that? My own mother is trying to set me up. How sad is that?” 

“Honestly, you should’ve seen your face,” Harry cackles. 

Louis sits down next to him on his and Niall’s old, worn out couch, leaning his back against the arm rest and setting his feet on Harry’s thigh. 

“I hate you, you know that,” Louis tells him even though he can’t suppress a laugh. 

“You love me,” chirps Harry, making kissing sounds in very close proximity to Louis’ face. 

“Ugh, get off me,” Louis says in a mixture off laughing and groaning, kicking Harry in the ribs until he retreats to his end of the couch. 

“I’m bored,” Harry voices after a minute of staring at his phone. “Let’s go do something.”

“Harold, it’s _raining_ ”

“Lewis, I don’t care. It’s Saturday and I’m bored so let’s do something” 

“Fine. What do you want to do?” 

“I don’t knooow,” Harry whines, and Louis throws a pillow at him. 

“You’re so annoying”

“Tell me why I’m spending my day off with you when all you do is bully me” 

“I would never do that. And don’t you have to photograph a wedding tonight?”

“No, that’s tomorrow morning. People usually don’t get married at night, you know” 

“Could you be any more unbearable?” Louis groans, getting up. “I’m going to make myself something to eat” 

“How about no? You’re going to set my kitchen on fire, Tomlinson,” Harry says, following Louis into the kitchen. 

“Great, then you can make me something,” Louis says, very pleased with himself. 

“Like that wasn’t your plan all along” 

They keep bickering as Louis watches Harry roast vegetables from his place on the kitchen counter. 

“Oh, you’re making breakfast? That’s good, I’m hungry. Oh, hi Louis.” A very disheveled looking Niall stumbles into the kitchen, blinking into the bright light that comes in through the big windows. 

“It’s noon!” Harry exclaims at the same time as Louis asks, “Long night?” 

“Yep. Went out with a few friends from work last night,” Niall answers, ignoring Harry’s comment. 

“Speaking of party,” Harry starts, “I got a gig to shoot this launch event next weekend and they told me I could bring friends, do you wanna go?” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m driving up to Donny on Friday, haven’t seen my fam in ages,” Louis says in an apologetic tone. Since Dan is on a business trip, Louis had offered his mother to help her watch his siblings on the weekend.

“Alright. How about you, Ni?” 

“I’m in. Not like I got anything better do” 

*

Being home is always special to Louis. He loves his family more than anything in the world, and not seeing them for long periods of time is always killing him internally. 

By the time he arrives, it’s nine in the evening, and the sun already set half an hour ago. As Louis pulls into the driveway, his childhood home is brightly lit. He gets out of his rental car and gets his bag from the backseat. By the time he reaches the front door, his mother already opened it. In her arms is Louis’ baby brother, Ernest. 

“Hi honey,” his mum says with a warm smile on her lips that tugs at Louis’ heart. God, he missed his family. 

“Hi, mum.” He hugs her carefully in order to not squash Ernest between them, and the smell of laundry detergent and citrus is so achingly familiar, that Louis needs a second to find his voice.

“Hello little guy. Aren’t you supposed to be asleep by now?”, Louis asks his brother quietly, softly stroking his cheeks. 

“He’s teething and refuses to fall asleep. How was the drive?” She asks him, as they go inside.

“As soon as I was out of London the streets were pretty clear,” Louis tells her. 

On the left side of the front door are the stairs that lead onto the second floor where the bedrooms are, on the right side is a cloakroom where they keep all their coats and jackets. Underneath the bench are a what feels like a hundred pairs of shoes and sneakers, covered in mud and dirt. 

Attached to the short hallway is a big living room. The far corner of it is packed with all sorts of toys, legos and dolls. In the middle is a big three-piece couch on which oldest two of his sisters are sitting and watching TV. 

“Boobear!” Louis laughs at the nickname as both of them are getting up, rushing towards him to hug him. 

“Aren’t you two supposed to be in bed right now?” He asks and runs his hair through Lottie’s long hair. 

“Mum allowed us to stay up and wait for you. It’s Friday anyway,” Félicité says. 

“That’s right. But now that he’s here, up to bed, both of you,” Jay jumps in, shooing them towards the stairs. 

“You look tired, honey. Do you want something to eat before you go to bed? I can heat you some dinner up,” she offers him. 

The last time Louis ate something was during his lunch break, so he nods and sits down at the kitchen counter, watching his mother. 

“Give me Ernie, I can hold him,” he says. 

While Jay puts a portion of leftover Shepherd’s pie in the microwave, Louis cuddles his little brother. 

“I’ve missed you, mum,” Louis tells her. 

When he was little, it always was just him and his mother and Louis grew up appreciating the strong bond the both of them had. In many ways, Jay has always been his best friend. 

“Me too, baby. I wish I could’ve been there for you when you and Dylan broke up” 

“Mum. You were there, okay? No matter what time I called, you always picked up the phone. You have six kids at home, I wouldn’t have ever expected you to come to London just because of a breakup”

“I know, I know. Sometimes I forget that you’re not a little boy anymore” 

Louis gets up and hugs her. 

“I’ll always need you, you hear that? Always” 

“So, Lou, how are you doing?” 

Louis thinks about it as the microwave beeps and his mother puts the plate in front of him. 

“I’m good, yeah. Some days it still sucks, but, you know. It’s whatever” 

“See, I told you. Everything is going to be okay” 

“Yeah,” Louis smiles at her. 

_just wanted to let you know that I got here perfectly fine. mum is already coddling me haha. good night_ , Louis texts Harry before he falls asleep in his childhood bedroom.

*

Instead of sleeping in until noon like Louis usually does on Saturdays, he’s woken at eight in the morning by his sisters, Daisy and Phoebe, climbing onto his bed. 

“Lou? Are you awake yet?” One of them asks, but Louis is too tired to open his eyes and find out who. 

“No,” he groans, turning around. 

He feels the mattress move as both of his sisters cuddle to his side. Louis wraps his arms around them, pulling them close, without opening his eyes. 

“Lou? Do you want to play with our Legos?” 

For a second, he doesn’t move. Then he starts tickling both of them, earning giggles and squeals of delight. 

“Only if I can have breakfast first,” he then says, sitting up. 

“Girls, didn’t I tell you to let your brother sleep?” Jay chides his sisters as they come down the stairs together. 

“It’s fine, mum. Now I can at least spend some time with them”

“If you want, there’s coffee and bagels in the kitchen. Also, can you try fixing the printer once you’ve had breakfast? It won’t print anymore” 

“I’m on it” Louis grabs a cup of coffee and a bagel and scarps into the office. It takes him about five minutes to “fix” the printer, as there’s only one cable missing and the paper is jammed in the back. 

After finishing breakfast, Louis plays with his sisters while simultaneously talking to Fizzy and Lottie about school and boys and their friends. 

“Mum told me that you’re not with Dylan anymore,” Lottie brings up eventually in a careful tone, but it still makes Louis freeze for a second. 

He understands that it must be weird for his sisters. When Louis first started dating Dylan, he was nineteen and just moved to London. Lottie was eleven and Fizzy nine, therefor they’ve known Dylan before they were even teenagers. 

“Yeah. We broke up in the summer,” Louis confirms. “That happens sometimes, you know. Things don’t always work out and it’s okay, yeah?” 

There was no way in hell he was going to tell his sisters any more details about this, they don’t need to worry about him. 

“Are you alright?” Fizzy asks, making his heart melt. 

“Of course, I am. I still got you, haven’t I?” 

During lunch, Louis offers to take all of his sibling out for a walk in the park so Jay can actually have some time to herself. 

“Honey, I wouldn’t ask you to do that.”

“C’mon, Mum. You’ve been alone with them for a week – no offense, girls – but they must be driving you insane. I’ll go to the park with them, hang out for a bit and when we’re back Lottie and Fizz can watch the babies and I’ll take Daisy and Phoebe grocery shopping with me” 

“I don’t want to go grocery shopping, it’s boring!” Daisy complains, but Louis kicks her under the table. As the big brother, he’s in charge right now and as much as he loves his siblings, it’s not like he can’t see the dark rings under his mother’s eyes. 

“You would really do that?” 

“Of course.” 

It’s a done deal. After lunch, Jay helps Louis strap Ernest and Doris into the double stroller and after everyone is wrapped in their coats, they’re off. It’s a ten-minute walk to the park from their house and while Louis is pushing the stroller, Daisy and Phoebe skip ahead, leaving the older sisters behind with him. 

“Is Mum okay? I mean with Dan being away and having all of you around all the time?” Louis asks Lottie, who shrugs. 

“I think so. Most of the time we’re at school anyway” 

“Listen to me, okay? I know you really want to do other stuff like hang out with your friends and stuff, but you’re the oldest one since I moved out and even though she doesn’t say anything, I think it’d do her good if you’d jump in a little every now and then. 

“I know you do that already and it’s annoying, but, you know, Mum really relies on you” 

“You know I love Doris and Ernie, right? Sometimes I just feel like they’re always getting all the attention and I’m left out because I’m the oldest and am more independent than the others,” Lottie confesses. 

“When I was little, it was always me and Mum, you know. And then Mark came along and they had you, which – on one hand – was amazing because you were a ray of sunshine and everyone loved you. But on the other hand, I suddenly had to share, and I was afraid that I wasn’t important anymore. Just know that no matter how busy she gets, Mum has always time for you, okay? And me too. You can call any time” 

“Thank you, Lou,” Lottie says, hugging him sideways. 

“You know what? Once Dan is back, you could come visit me in London, how’d you like that? We could go shopping, go to the London Eye and eat fish ‘n chips at the Thames” 

“Oh my God, I’d love that” 

*

On the way back from grocery shopping, the hands-free assistant of his car announces an incoming car. 

Louis looks at his twin sisters through the rearview mirror. “I’ll take this call, yeah? Be quiet for a minute, okay?” 

They nod eagerly, and Louis accepts the call. 

“Oh my God, you’re alive. I thought you _died_ Harry’s voice sounds through the car, his dramatic tone making Louis’ sisters giggle. 

“Hello to you too, Harold. What’s up?” 

“Just wanted to ask how you’re doing? I haven’t heard from you since last night” 

“Sorry, I wasn’t on my phone all day. In fact, you are kind of in luck I’m even picking up,” Louis says cheekily as he turns on the blinker and takes a left. 

“Making yourself rare, Tomlinson? Anyway, Niall and I are getting ready for the launch tonight. Can you please tell him that it’s completely acceptable if I leave the top buttons of my shirt open? He’s being a prude” 

“What are we talking about when you say, “top buttons”? Like, the first one or the first four?” Louis asks with a laugh on his face. 

“Three?” Harry says, and in the background he can hear Niall yell something that sounds a lot like _slut_ , which not only makes Louis cackle but also his sisters. 

“Niall! My little sisters are in the car with me” 

“Oh, hi little sisters,” Harry immediately responds. 

Louis pulls into their street. “Okay, Haz, I need to cut you off, we’re almost home. Have fun tonight, knock ‘em dead!” 

“Thanks. Say hi to your mum from me” 

“Will do. Bye Harry” 

“Bye Harry!” Phoebe and Daisy call out as well. 

“Bye bye,” Harry responds and Louis hangs up. 

“Okay, you’re not going to tell Mum about the word that my friend just said, yeah?” Louis tries to persuade his sisters before getting out of the car. 

“Muum, Harry says hi to you,” they yell giggling as soon as they’re back in their house, leaving Jay with a puzzled look on her face. 

“Who’s Harry?” She asks Louis, who’s currently carrying the groceries into the kitchen. 

“A friend of mine. He just called while we were in the car and told me to say hi to you, so that’s why” He points to Daisy and Phoebe who are now in the living room. 

“A friend or a _friend_?” Jay asks. 

“Just a friend, Mum. We’ve been hanging out a lot, he helps out at that coffee shop I always go to before work” 

“Alright, whatever you say” 

“ _Mum_ ,” Louis exclaims, but she just smiles a knowing smile. 

“What do I owe you for the groceries?” Jay wants to know as she helps putting away the produce. 

“Nothing, it’s alright” Quickly changing the subject, Louis adds, “I offered Lottie to visit me in London some time. She could take the train and I’d pick her up at the station” 

“Louis. I know you love her and you’re very capable of taking care of her, but all alone to London? I don’t know” 

“Come on. She’s fifteen, and it only takes two hours. She wouldn’t even have to change trains and I promise I’ll pick her up myself and never let her walk around alone” 

“I’ll think about it and talk to Dan, yeah?” 

“Thanks, Mum. I think it’d do her good,” Louis says, kissing his mother’s cheek. 

*

It’s almost eleven by the time Louis finally gets to bed. He did the laundry and vacuumed the entire house as Jay was busy cooking, and after dinner he helped bathe Doris and Ernest while his mother chased after Daisy and Phoebe to get them to clean their room before going to bed. 

When every child finally was in bed, they sat in the living room, talking over a glass of wine. Louis still gets the feeling that she’s not completely convinced he’s doing alright. And until now, he was. 

But as he looks around, he notices that, for one of the first times since moving out, he’s back home alone. For most parts, he brought Dylan home whenever he came to visit his family, as they always liked him.

He didn’t notice the picture of Dylan and him on the bedside table last night, but it’s there. In it, they are sitting on a park bench in _Victoria Embankment Garden_ , one of Dylan’s legs is on top of Louis’ and they’re both grinning brightly into the camera. 

Louis feels the urge to throw it against a wall, but doesn’t, as he doesn’t want to wake his sleeping siblings up. Instead, he goes through his old closet. For the most part, there are old clothes from Daisy and Phoebe that his mum is keeping for Doris, but on the top shelf he finds the old _Manchester United_ sweatshirt that once belonged to Dylan. 

He takes it out and lets his fingers run over the smooth fabric of it. Due to washing it a lot, the lining inside isn’t as soft as it once used to be, but still. Louis might be imagining things right now, but to him, it still smells like Dylan. Like his cologne and the way his entire apartment would always smell like. 

Louis sinks down to the ground, hugging the sweater tight. He doesn’t care that it’s been three months and that this is absolutely pathetic, it just _hurts_. 

Before he knows, a tear is running down his face. 

“Shit,” Louis breathes, heart clenching in his chest. He thought he finally left that phase behind him. 

He tries calling Zayn after five minutes of just sitting on the floor, tears streaming down his face, but Zayn doesn’t pick up. Neither does Liam. 

So, naturally, he texts Harry, knowing he won’t get a reply because he’s working. 

_I hate him. So much._

Against all expectations, his phone starts ringing basically right the second he hits send. 

Louis wipes his nose before picking up. God, he’s pathetic. 

“Hi.” His voice sounds tiny and he knows Harry will be able to tell he’s been crying right away. 

“Shit, Louis, are you okay?” Harry’s voice is drenched in concern. In the background, Louis can hear loud music and voices. 

“Don’t you have to work?” He asks. 

“The official part is over, they only want me to take a few pics at the moment, but I’ve already done that. Wait, hold on, I’m going outside”

Louis hears rustling and doors opening and closing. 

“Okay, I think I’m good now. What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry for annoying you. It’s really dumb,” Louis says, fiddling with the sweater in his hands. 

“Lou. You’re not annoying. Talk to me, what’s happening?”

“I wish I could just get over him, you know? But everywhere I go, there are thousands of memories and everything reminds me of him, and I just want to talk to him. Like, today Daisy said something funny and he was the first person I wanted to tell. I just _miss him so much_ ,” he tries to explain. The tears start running again, but he’s too tired to wipe them away. 

“He doesn’t deserve being missed, Louis. He did you wrong and you deserve so much better.” Harry seems calm and collected, to which Louis definitely can’t relate.   
“I think I want him back,” Louis admits quietly. 

The last three months, he was mad and angry and upset, but right now, he just feels broken and lonely and too exhausted to keep on hating Dylan. 

“Don’t say that. You don’t mean it” 

“I don’t know, Harry. If he called right now, I’d pick up. I’m just being honest” 

“It’s okay that you miss him, but don’t go there, okay? He’s a dick . You deserve better than that” 

Louis pulls himself up and crawls into bed. 

“I don’t care what I deserve, Harry. You don’t understand. He was a great boyfriend and I’m just so done. I don’t have it in me to hate him anymore. I want it to stop. I want him.” Louis hugs the sweatshirt tightly. He never realized all of this until now. 

“Louis, he _cheated_ on you. There’s no way in hell you two could ever work out, alright? He cheated on you for months, and when you broke up, he took someone else on a trip that was supposed to be for the both of you. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make him boyfriend material. Like, at all” 

“You don’t even know him! We were good together, okay? And ever since we’re not, I feel like there is this really big part of me missing. I don’t even know who I am anymore” 

“See? Right that there is the entire problem. If you don’t know who you are without him, you shouldn’t be with him. You shouldn’t be with anyone right now, if you ask me,” Harry says, and Louis can hear the anger in his voice. 

“And what gives you the right to say that, huh?”

“Louis, stop. I’m not the one to be mad at right now,” he says. 

“I’m broken, Harry, and I can’t fix it myself. I just need someone to make it _stop_.” Louis knows how desperate and lost he sounds right now. He feels that way himself. 

“Dylan could never fix you, Lou. He’s the one who broke you in the first place. The only one who can fix you is you,” Harry says. 

On a rational base, Louis knows Harry is right. It just sounds so easy: Forgiving and forgetting. He’d do everything to take that step. 

“It’s like that sticky note in your bathroom. You need to accept that, even though it hurts like shit, he doesn’t miss you and he’s not your responsibility. You’re always busy taking care of other people that you forget to take care of yourself. It’s okay to feel all this stuff right now” 

“I hate that sticky note,” Louis mumbles, suddenly very tired.   
The next morning, Louis doesn’t remember hanging up. He slept like a baby, and even after nine hours of sleep, he still feels groggy. 

As he gets up, he texts Harry, thanking him for dealing with the mess he was last night, and takes the sweatshirt that lies next to him, all crumbled, downstairs, outside and throws it into the recycling bin outside. 

Walking back into the house, he notices that his socks are wet. Maybe he should’ve put on shoes before walking over damp lawn. 

“What was that?” Jay, who’d watched him from the kitchen, asks. 

“Dylan’s old sweatshirt,” Louis says, matter-of-factly. 

“Okay” She offers him a warm smile. “Breakfast?” 

*

“If you could live in any place in this world, where would it be?” Harry asks, his words already a little slurred. 

The five of them are hanging out in Louis’ apartment, eating pizza and playing drinking games. Outside, it’s raining, and you can actually hear the drops hitting the windows. 

“I don’t know,” Niall thinks out loud, “maybe somewhere where it’s warm, all the time. Like Australia” 

Louis starts laughing. “You’re so full of shit, Niall. It’s not always hot in Australia. They have winter and rain, too” 

“What about Italy, they have pizza,” Zayn says, making Liam cackle. 

“We have pizza as well. Literally right in front of you”

What follows is a hilarious wrestling fight between Niall and Liam, fighting for the last slice of pepperoni pizza. 

“I’d like to go somewhere tropical,” Louis finally says. 

“That sounds nice,” Harry agrees, and Louis smiles at him. 

They’re sitting on the rug in Louis’ living room, Harry leaned against the sofa, Louis with his feet in Harry’s lap. 

Without really noticing that this isn’t his drink, Louis takes Harry’s glass and takes a sip. 

“Okay, my turn. If you had to choose one celebrity to make out with, who would it be”   
“Jack Falahee,” Louis answers, maybe a tad too quickly, which sends Harry into a set of giggles. 

“Who the hell is _that_?” Niall asks, forehead pulled into a frown. 

“Are you serious?” Louis asks. “He’s one of the actors from _How to Get Away with Murder_ and also like really hot”

In midst of his giggling-fit, Harry actually managed to pull up pictures of Falahee on his phone. 

“He doesn’t look that good,” Liam says. 

“Okay, _rude_ ,” Louis replies and throws a napkin at Liam. Who just shrugs it off and reaches for another slice of pizza. 

“This seems to be a highly emotional topic for Louis, so let’s just move on,” Zayn suggests. 

They kind of stop playing after that and instead drink more, which results in Louis being very drunk very quickly. 

He’s not the only one, though. Niall and Liam are sitting on the couch, throwing paper napkins at each other and fighting about something. Louis is too tired to find out about what, though. 

Zayn is spread out on the rug, staring at the ceiling while talking to Harry at the same time. 

Drunk Harry is a glorious sight. His curls are tousled and even messier than usually, sticking up in every direction. The more he drinks, the more his cheeks flush and in the dim light of Louis’ living room, they’re pink and make Harry’s eyes stand out even more. 

Louis smiles as Harry gestures widely with his hands, knocking his left elbow into Niall’s thigh. When Louis stretches out his legs, his feet just meet Harry’s, and he nudges them softly in order to get Harry’s attention. 

The alcohol he’s consumed warms him up from inside, and his brain is all mushy and he can’t think properly anymore. 

“Hi,” Harry says, turning toward him. 

“Hi,” Louis answers. He’s pretty confident his voice is already a little slurred but it’s not like Niall or Liam are still talking in coherent sentences anymore either. 

“’m really grateful for you, y’know. You’re a good friend,” he then tells him quietly. 

“You too” 

“Shit, I’m tired,” Louis says matter-of-factly, running a hand over his face. 

“Wanna sleep?” 

Louis doesn’t even question it when Harry follows him into his bedroom, flopping down on the left side of the bed. 

*

Underneath his feet, pebbles crunch and Louis needs to concentrate on the way in front of him in order not to slip on wet leaves that cover the ground. 

“And you’re sure you don’t want to come?” Liam asks.

“I think my mum would have my head if I got another tattoo,” Louis answers honestly. 

“Like she cares. You’ve already got half of your body covered in tattoos, she’d probably never notice,” Liam jokes. Which might be true. 

“Anyway, I couldn’t go even if I wanted to. I promised Harry to stop by the coffee shop today,” he admits. It wasn’t his fault, really. Harry had been very annoyed that he had to work on a Saturday, and then he made puppy eyes, begging Louis to come by so he won’t be as bored and who was Louis to deny him that?

“So, Harry, huh?” 

“What about him?” Louis asks, frowning. 

“Nothing. You two just seem really close, that’s all.”

“I mean, yeah. We are,” Louis says. 

“Just don’t jump into anything before you’re completely over Dylan, Tommo” 

Louis doesn’t even know what to say to that. He and Harry are not like _that_. Sure, Harry understands him like no one else, he gets how Louis feels and says just the right things. Like, that time he almost called Dylan and Harry talked him out of it. But that’s it. 

“It’s not like that. It’s not like anything,” he finally manages to answer. 

“If you say so. Just remember what I said, okay? Anyway, I need to go. Zayn and I’ll stop by your place tomorrow.” 

“Okay, see you.” 

Louis reaches the entry of the coffee shop Harry works at the same second as Liam hangs up, and Louis shakes his head in order to push the conversation to the back of his mind. 

He fixes his hair quickly in the reflection of the door. Since the temperatures dropped significantly during the last few days, he’s wearing his favorite lined denim jacket on top of his thick hoodie. 

“Look who the cat dragged in,” Harry greets him. Louis flips him off. 

This is who they are. They joke around, they bicker and annoy each other. They are laddy-bro-pals, nothing more. 

“Rude,” Louis counters, sitting down at the counter. 

“D’you want something to eat, drink?” 

“Surprise me,” he tells him, wriggling his eyebrows. 

“Don’t even,” the girl working with Harry today jumps in, “he makes this super weird drink that’ll give you a heart attack. It’s basically half caffeine and half sugar” 

Louis just looks at her for a second. Her hair is dyed blonde and pulled into a low, messy bun. As she turns, he notices that her ears are pierced all the way up. He decides she’s completely badass. 

“I’m Nora, by the way,” she says, smiling brightly at Louis. 

“Louis,” he replies and smiles back. 

“That’s very offensive for you to say about my drink,” Harry says, pouting. 

Louis rolls his eyes at him before he decides that he won’t be taking the chance of having a heart attack and lets Harry make him a Frappuccino. 

“I actually got that book you were talking about,” he tells him and pulls it out of his backpack. 

Harry turns around to him in surprise, drink in his hand. “Wait, really? How do you like it?” 

“Just because I bought it, doesn’t mean I’ve actually read it, Harlod” 

Here’s the thing: Where Louis is good with numbers and statistics, he sucks with words. Sure, he loves sarcasm and occasionally reads the newspaper, but that’s it. 

“Are you planning on reading it?” Harry asks, setting the cup down in front of Louis. 

“No, I just felt the need to spend money on something,” he replies. 

“Who knows, you accountants are all just swimming in money,” Harry says cheekily before heading off to serve a table. 

Nora turns to him. “How long have you two been together?” 

Louis’ head snaps up, taken by surprise. 

“Uhm, we’re not together,” he says, blinking in confusion. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I just thought – You’re around a lot,” she says and shrugs. “Whatever. But you _would_ make a cute couple”

“Thanks?” Louis says, unsure. 

“You’re very much welcome,” she smirks before she starts talking to a customer. 

While Harry is busy making coffee and handing out drinks, Louis actually starts reading. The book actually seems nice enough, but he is a slow reader and is also distracted very easily, so he doesn’t really get that far. 

It’s gloomy outside by the time Harry taps him on the shoulder. 

“Let’s go, my shift is over” 

Louis gets up, puts his stuff back into his backpack and slips over his jacket. Harry watches him as he does. 

Harry’s apartment is only ten minutes away from where the coffee shop is, so they make a break for the rain, running almost the entire way. 

By the time they reach the front door of the complex, they are both drenched. Louis looks up to Harry, whose eyes are glistening with joy and laughter and whose cheeks are flushed rom running. Louis’ breath hitches in his throat, and before he can think any better of it, he reaches up to brush a wet curl out of Harry’s face. 

Harry’s smile is wide and dimply when he turns sideways to unlock the door. Louis thinks he might want to spend every day like this, filled with happiness and stupid Harry.


	3. Winter

Lottie comes to visit for the last weekend of November, when it’s cold and windy outside and it hasn’t stopped raining in days. 

Louis pulls his jacket tighter around himself. Jesus, it’s cold. He’s still a little surprised that his mother agreed to this, she’s always been a little protective. 

He’s standing on the platform at King’s Cross that his sister’s train is supposed to arrive at. Lottie texted him that the train is delayed which kind of bugs Louis. Not only is he a very impatient person, he also made sure to be on time – he was even a little early – and now he has to wait in the cold. 

He quit smoking again, but right now, he could really use a good smoke. The wind is slowly crawling into his clothes and even though he’s wearing multiple layers, he’s still freezing. 

In order to pass time, he texts Zayn a dumb meme Harry send him earlier, but Zayn apparently has no sense of humor and doesn’t think it’s funny. Then, he texts Harry that Zayn didn’t think the meme was funny, causing Harry to send multiple crying emojis. Louis really hates him. 

Finally, a train rolls in, spilling out what feels like thousands of people as the doors open. Not for the first time in his life, Louis wishes he was just a little taller. 

It takes him a little before he eventually spots his sister walking down the platform. He hurries towards her, embracing her in a hug as soon as he retches her. 

“How was the train ride?” Louis asks her on the way to the tube. 

“Fine. I did some of my homework,” Lottie answers. 

“You’re such a nerd,” he jokes, bumping her with his shoulder. “Anyway, I was thinking we could get takeout for dinner” 

It’s already seven in the evening and even if Louis were to try to cook, they probably wouldn’t eat before midnight. 

“Sounds fine to me. Oh, I probably should call Mum that you picked me up,” she reminds herself and takes out her phone. 

Louis watches as she talks to their mother, mostly listening. 

“She wants to talk to you,” she then says, handing her phone over. 

“Hi honey. Just wanted to make sure everything’s alright,” Jay says

“Lottie is alive and healthy if that’s what you want to know. We’re getting dinner now and then we’ll be at my apartment,” Louis explains their plans to her. 

“Okay. Have fun you two.”

“Thanks. Say hi to the girls and Ernest for me,” Louis tells her before hanging up. 

*

Having Lottie around turns out to be exactly what Louis needed. He has always been a family guy, his relationship to his mother and his siblings is better than the ones of most other people and being so far away from them sometimes takes a toll on him. 

Right now, Lottie is crouching down on the floor in front of him, her entire body shaking off laughter. They’re on a shopping spree together and people around them are giving them very weird looks. 

“Oh my God, Lou, I can’t breathe,” Lottie wheezes, gasping for air. 

Louis leans against the wall, trying to control his breathing as well. But every time he looks at the monstrosity of a coat Lottie put on, he completely loses it. 

“Take that off or I’ll suffocate,” Louis manages to say which sends Lottie in another gale of laughter. 

Eventually, they put the coat back on a hanger, still giggling to themselves, and make their way to the till. 

*

On Sunday evening, Lottie is back in Doncaster again and Louis is left on his couch, his apartment suddenly feeling too big and empty for just one person. 

He curls up on the sofa with a cup of tea, wrapped in blankets. Through his headphones, soft pop is vibrating trough his entire body as he finishes reading the book Harry recommend to him. 

When he’s done, he calls him. Harry picks up on the third ring. 

“I finished _The Handmaid’s Tale_ ,” Louis says instead of a greeting. 

“How’d you like it?” 

“The ending was shitty. Like, don’t just tell your readers the ending through a shitty epilogue and don’t even tell them what happens to the main character” 

“But doesn’t that make the ending so good? Like, it’s up to you to decide what happens to her. In my head, she made it out of Gilead and found her daughter,” Harry says. 

“I shouldn’t have to imagine an ending, that’s stupid. I almost didn’t read the epilogue because it was just some historical background,” Louis complains but smiles to himself. 

“Is Lottie back home again?” Harry asks. 

“Yeah, I dropped her off after lunch. It was great having her here” 

“You’re a good big brother for letting her stay with you for a weekend. I just have one sister and she drove me insane when I was living at home” 

Louis scoffs, “Yeah, it’s a madhouse sometimes” 

“There’s this wedding next weekend,” Harry suddenly changes the topic, “do you want to go with me?” 

When Louis doesn’t respond, Harry says, “I have a lot of stuff to bring there for photos and videos and stuff. It’d be great if you’d give me a hand setting up. You don’t have to, of course” 

“No, no, it’s fine,” Louis hurries to say. “I can help, it’s not like I have any other plans.”

“That’s – Really, thank you. Niall refuses to help me at this point, he says I need an assistant or something” 

“He’s not wrong, Haz,” Louis says while getting up from the couch to get himself another cup of tea. “You have a lot of gigs, and with the job at the coffee shop you could actually afford one” 

“Maybe, I’ll think about it,” Harry says. 

*

“You’re going to a wedding with Harry?” Zayn asks incredulously. 

Louis looks down at his phone while buttoning his shirt. 

“I mean, yeah. He needs help with his photography stuff,” he tells him. 

“Right. Louis, you don’t know shit about photography,” Zayn replies and Louis can imagine his face perfectly. 

“It’s just for carrying stuff, I don’t actually need to take the pictures”

“Come on. You have to realize that this sounds like a date,” Zayn says. 

To tie his tie, Louis walks over to the bathroom mirror. The sticky-note is still there, but Louis doesn’t really need to look at it every day anymore.

“If anyone ever takes me to a wedding for a first date, they need to go to the psych ward. No one does that,” he scoffs. 

“I’m just saying, but okay. Anyway, I have to go, Liam’s back from his run” 

“Alright, see you,” Louis says before hanging up. Why can’t Liam and Zayn back off for one second? It’s not like it would kill them to leave Louis’ private life alone. 

He gets a text from Harry, telling him he’s outside, so he pushes his thoughts aside, puts his jacket on and hurries down the stairs. 

Harry’s car is parked on the curb, through the windows Louis can see that he’s sitting inside of it, texting someone. 

“Hi there,” Louis greets him as he gets in the car. 

“Hi. Thank you for doing this,” Harry says. He puts his phone away, waiting for Louis to buckle his seatbelt, then starts the motor and pulls back onto the street. 

“Of course. Weddings are pretty nice, too. My mum got married to Dan last year, that was really cool” 

“Cool?” Harry asks, mischievous grin on his lips. 

“Ugh, fine. I cried a little,” Louis admits, rolling his eyes. 

“Ha! I knew it, you’re a big ol’ sap”

“I am not,” he protests but not with much energy behind it. 

“Do you ever want to, y’know, get married?” Harry asks and the atmosphere suddenly changes. 

Louis swallows hard, before he says, “I guess. I want a big family and all, so…” He shrugs. 

If anyone asked him six months ago, Louis would have totally said yes, straight up. The truth is, he was kind of assuming he would end up marrying Dylan. Because, who wouldn’t? They were good together, and that for a long time. Until Louis found out he got cheated on, that is. 

“Do you?” Louis asks in order to tide over the silence. 

“Totally. I don’t think I’d be able to do this job if I didn’t want to get married one day, too. It’s not like I have any specific plans, though” 

“I take that you don’t want to marry – wait, no. What was his name? Marc?” 

Harry started dating Marc about two months ago, and even though Louis met him maybe twice when hanging out with Niall, they never warmed up to each other.

Harry pauses, then says, “We’re not together anymore.” 

“You’re not? Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Louis isn’t really sure why that relieves him so much. 

“I don’t know, it just didn’t seem important. I broke up with him, because, I don’t know, I guess we weren’t really, you know, good together?” Harry says in a weird tone, as if he’s not really sure why either. 

“I’m sorry. You could’ve told me” 

“I know, but it wasn’t a big deal anyway” 

They drive without talking for a little while longer, before arriving at the venue. 

“Okay, so, let’s go inside and says hello first and then we need to get all this stuff inside,” Harry points to the bags on the backseat, “and then set up. It usually takes about fifteen minutes, I think”

They do exactly that. They meet the mother of the bride, who seems to have taken over organization and appears to be very relieved to see them. 

Harry is polite and charming, and Louis does his best to keep up with him. He really has to suppress a scoff when Harry introduces him as his assistant. Sure, that’s what he’s here to do but also – rude. 

While Harry takes a few test shots of the venue, Louis carries all the stuff inside and, Jesus, that is a lot. Even though it’s pretty cold and windy outside – who gets married in December anyway? – Louis is hot by the time he’s done. 

“You’re an angel for doing this, thank you so much,” Harry says once everything is inside. 

“Stop thanking me, it’s fine. This is what friends do,” Louis smiles at him. 

“Right. I guess the first guests will be arriving soon, so I’ll head outside and take pictures of them coming in. They hired a second photographer to cover the bride getting ready and stuff and we talked on the phone, she’ll do part of the ceremony do,” Harry explains to him. 

“Should I do something?” Louis asks. 

“Uhm, I don’t know. Niall usually knows at least one person, that he sticks around with until I need help.” Harry scratches the back of his head. 

“It’s fine. I’ll find something to do and stay out of your way,” Louis laughs. 

Turns out, he actually enjoys watching Harry work. Not only does he look _really_ good in his suit – not that Louis would admit that out loud – but the way he works the camera is pretty mesmerizing. 

“Lou, can I talk to you for a second?” Suddenly, Harry is right beside him again, cheeks flushed, and Louis can’t help but notice that he seems stressed out. 

“Of course, what’s up?” Louis asks, pretty concerned. 

“I think I saw Dylan,” Harry says cautiously, scanning Louis’ face over and over like he’s expecting it to blow up any second. 

Louis just stares at him, mind blank. 

“What?” he finally manages to ask. 

“I don’t know, but he did look like he did on the pictures,” Harry answers, shrugging.

Well, this is great. Louis hasn’t seen Dylan once since they broke up, nor has he talked to him. The advantage of long-distance relationships. 

“Okay.” 

“Okay? What do you mean ‘Okay’?” 

“Look, I promised you I’d help, so I’m here. I’ll just avoid him. Maybe it’s not even him,” Louis says, shrugging. But inside of him, there is a storm raging. What if he’s getting married? _Don’t be ridiculous_ , Louis tells himself. But what if he’s with someone? What if he’s not? What if?

“Are you sure?” Harry asks, snapping him out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah, totally,” Louis forces a smile and hopes Harry doesn’t notice. He still doesn’t seem to be convinced but doesn’t say anything more. 

_Maybe he’s not even here_ , Louis tells himself over and over again.

But for the entire ceremony, he can’t think of anything else. He keeps imagining Dylan standing right in front of him, and he doesn’t know whether to cry, laugh or just run away. 

To be honest, he misses most of the ceremony and just mirror everything everyone else does. Get up, sit down. Laugh at the funny parts. Clap. Get up. 

He helps Harry with the group shots, when he sees him talking to the bride. And it’s like his heart stops, jumps and contracts at the same time. 

Dylan looks just like he did six months ago. Blonde curls tousled, bright smile and the glasses Louis picked out with him two years ago on his nose. He looks so achingly familiar, Louis wants to break down crying. 

“Sorry, I gotta – ,” Louis stutters, before walking away as fast as he can. 

He ends up hiding in the men’s bathroom like a baby, but he could care less. His chest feels tight, like there’s not enough air in the entire world. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s standing there, leaning onto the sink, staring at his reflection in the mirror. 

“Louis? I was looking everywhere for you, are you okay?” Harry barges into the room. 

“I just need a second,” Louis says, voice a little shaky. 

“Stop doing that. It’s okay to be not okay,” Harry says, stepping closer so he stands right behind Louis. 

“I just didn’t expect it to hurt like this,” Louis says and feels tiny. 

“It’s okay. Just breathe,” Harry advises him softly. He puts a hand on the small of Louis’ back, and somehow that actually helps. 

They stay like that for another two minutes, until Louis finally stands up straight again. 

“Thank you. I don’t know why I’m being this ridiculous”

“Don’t worry, okay?” 

They go outside after that again, even though Louis doesn’t feel like he’s really prepared to face his ex again. As it turns out, he already did the photos, and everyone is packing up to get to the venue the reception is at. 

Everything goes by relatively quickly, Louis busying himself enough with helping Harry that he doesn’t really think about Dylan that much. 

Until Louis offers to get Harry and the other photographer, Sarah, something to eat and suddenly, Dylan is standing right in front of him. There is maybe half a meter between them. 

“Louis,” Dylan says, obviously taken aback. Louis concludes that he is better off in the situation, he knew at least Dylan was here. 

“Appears to be,” Louis grunts, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“What are you doing at my cousin’s wedding?” Dylan asks cautiously. 

“I’m with the photographer,” Louis says, vaguely pointing at Harry.  
“Oh. Uhm, I know this is not the place to do this, but can we maybe talk?” he asks, somehow seeming insecure. Does him right, Louis thinks. 

“It’s been six months, Dylan. I don’t think I have anything to say to you,” Louis manages to say. 

“I called you a thousand times, Lou,” Louis flinches at the nickname and so does Dylan, “I’m sorry and I want to set things straight again, whatever that may be.” 

Louis wants to say something, when someone appears by his side, wrapping an arm around Louis’ waist. It’s Harry. Of course, it’s Harry. 

“Is there a problem?” he asks, voice somehow deeper than usual. 

“ _Harry_ ,” Louis hisses. 

“No, it’s alright. See you around, Louis,” Dylan says before wandering off. 

“What the fuck was that?” Louis snaps, pushing Harry away from him. 

“I was trying to help,” Harry says, “You looked cornered” 

“Harry. Listen to me. You are not my boyfriend. You don’t need to act all jealous because I’m talking to my ex. It wasn’t like I was going to make out with him in the bathroom, if that was your concern. So, back off, okay?” 

“I’m not trying –,” Harry interrupts himself, “You know what, I don’t care. Do whatever makes you happy, but don’t come crying to me”

They’re talking in hushed voices, but some people are still looking at them. Louis grabs Harry by the arm, pulling him outside. 

“Are you being serious right now? ‘ _Don’t come crying to me_ ’? What’s that supposed to mean?” Louis snaps, starting exactly where they left off. 

“I’m here for you, Louis, I really am, but I’m not going to take every blow from you, alright? It’s been months, and every single time it gets to you, I’m here. But some days, it would be really nice if it wasn’t all about you. I have feelings too, you know,” Harry responds hotly, his cheeks flushing and eyes glistening with anger and something else. 

“Don’t make me out to be the bad guy here, alright? You know what I’m going through, and sometimes it’s better and sometimes it’s just really fucking hard, okay? But I’m not dumb enough to run back to him after one apology.” 

“This is,” Harry lets out a breath, “not what I meant. But whatever” Harry turns around and walks back inside. 

“What where you talking about? Harry! Get back here, I’m talking to you!” Louis calls after him, but Harry doesn’t turn around. 

Louis huffs to himself. What the hell was that about? 

“Trouble in paradise?” Louis would recognize that voice everywhere. It’s Dylan, coming through the door. 

“Are you really in the place to be a dick right now?” he snaps at Dylan and isn’t even sorry about it. 

“Sorry,” Dylan apologizes and leans against the wall. 

“You wanted to talk. So, talk,” Louis says, not looking up from the ground. 

“Okay,” Dylan takes a deep breath, Louis can hear it, “I know I messed up big time. And if we were in opposite positions, I probably would never forgive you. What I did isn’t, you know, excusable. It’s not like that happens accidentally.”

“Gee, thank you for reminding me that you _intentionally cheated on me”_

“I guess I’m trying to say that you deserve better, Louis. I know you know that, but I needed to tell you. Because,” Dylan swallows, “We were really fucking great and it’s my fault we’re not anymore. You were right breaking up with me but losing you – it really killed me. If I could take it all back, I would. Any second. After you broke up with me, I ended it like I should’ve a long time before that. It shouldn’t even have started.” 

Louis swallows hard. Before, he was nervous and ridden by anxiety, but somehow, he just knows what to say right now. 

“I won’t ever understand why you cheated. And six months ago, I just wanted to know what I did wrong, how I could have prevented it from happening. Today, though, it doesn’t matter. Everyone makes mistakes and I know you, Dylan. You’re not –,” Louis pauses to take a breath, “You are not a bad person. Maybe we just weren’t meant to be.” On the last sentence, Louis can hear his own voice shaking, and when he looks up, he sees tears in Dylan’s eyes. 

“ _I miss you so much_ ,” Dylan whispers, voice broken. 

Louis can’t stop the tears slowly running down his face. 

"I do, too. But we wouldn’t ever work again, Dylan. You know that,” Louis says with a lump in his throat. 

“How can you be like _this_ , when I’m the one who messed everything up,” Dylan asks, voice desperate. Louis feels every work tugging at his heart. 

“It takes a lot not to hate you, you know. But,” Louis shrugs, “in the end, you’re just you. I’ve loved you for such a long time, hating you hurt too much. Maybe forgiveness is the only thing that makes you heal.” 

Dylan doesn’t say anything, just breathes shakily. In the spur of the moment, Louis takes his hand. It feels weird and too familiar. 

“Dy, you need to forgive yourself for this. You’ll find someone great and when you do, don’t make the same mistakes. Promise me?” 

“I won’t ever understand you, Louis Tomlinson,” Dylan says and Louis can hear the tiny smile in his voice. 

“Trust me, you’ll find the one. The past half year made me realize that, as good as we were, we weren’t meant to be.” 

Dylan squeezes his hand once before letting go, and says, “D’you think he is the one?” 

It takes him a moment to realize what Dylan is talking about. 

“God, no. We’re not, you know, dating. We’re just friends,” Louis explains. 

“Okay. I’m not going to meddle with your relationships,” Dylan says and pushes himself off the wall. “Thank you. For everything.” 

“Yeah,” Louis smiles to himself, and turns around to walk back inside. And as he walks away, he knows he’s doing it for the last time. 

_*_

“We talked it out,” Louis lets Harry know on their way back to London. 

For the most part, they didn’t really talk after the Dylan-incident, but Louis feels like he has to tell Harry. 

“Good. I’m happy for you,” Harry responds, eyes glued to the road. He doesn’t sound like he means it, though. 

It takes a second until it dawns on Louis. 

“Jesus, not like that,” he says, huffing out a breath. “We’re done. No bad feelings, but – no future either.” 

“Okay, great,” Harry’s voice is distant, and he still won’t look at Louis. 

“Are you mad at me or something?” Louis asks tentatively. 

Harry sighs, and runs a hand through his hand, “No, it’s – Forget about it, yeah? I’m sorry” 

Louis frowns but doesn’t say anything. Sometimes he just doesn’t understand Harry. It’s like there is this whole side of him that’s so distant and vague and Louis feels like he won’t ever be able to get that part of him. It’s weird. 

But Louis keeps quiet, so they drive in silence until they reach his apartment complex. 

It’s dark outside and it’s very late and he just now realizes how exhausted he is. Mentally, physically and emotionally. 

“Goodnight, Harry. Thanks for the ride,” Louis says as he gets out of the car. The only thing he wants right now is a hot shower and his bed. 

“’Night. Thank you for helping out, I appreciate it.” 

Louis offers him a tight smile before he slams the door shot and gets in the house. 

After showering and getting ready for bed, it’s already one in the morning, so Louis cancels his plans to call his mother. 

He wanted to tell her about Dylan and Harry, but apparently that has to wait until the next day to talk to her. Which, maybe, is a good thing. It gives him the chance to sort his thoughts and get a full night of sleep. Things always look better the next morning. 

But when the sun crawls through the blinds of his bedroom ten hours later, Louis doesn’t really feel better about himself. 

He shuffles out of bed and pulls a thick hoodie over his head – for comfort reasons – before he makes his way to the kitchen and turns on his coffee maker. He really needs caffeine right now. 

After staring out of the window for twenty minutes and sipping his coffee, he finally manages to get up and get his phone so he can call his mother. 

It rings a few times before she picks up, and when she does, he can hear the usual hectic of kids talking and yelling in the background. Not for the first time, it makes him incredibly homesick. 

“Louis, honey, how are you?” Jay asks in a warm tone. 

“I’m okay. What about you and Dan?” 

“We’re all good, except the usual Christmas hectic. I’m making cookies with Daisy and Phoebe right now,” she lets him know. 

“Oh, am I calling at a bad time? We can talk later, I don’t mind” 

“Don’t be ridiculous, I always got time for you,” there’s rustling in the background, then, “what’s going on with you? You sound worried” 

“I met Dylan yesterday,” Louis admits. He doesn’t have the strength to argue his way out of this, plus this is kind of the reason he called his mother. 

“Oh, really?” Jay asks neutrally. She probably doesn’t want to pressure Louis in any direction. 

“Yeah. I was helping out Harry with his photography stuff at this wedding, and the bride turned out to be Dylan’s cousin.” 

“Did you talk to him?” 

“Actually, yes. We had a long talk about us. About what went wrong, and stuff” 

Jay pauses, and Louis can practically hear her thinking. 

“Are you back together?” 

“No! Why does everyone think that?” Louis exclaims, voice coming thick and fast. 

“Alright, I’m sorry. It just sounded like something happened,” his mother says. 

“I guess we finally settled things. I needed to hear him admit that he did me wrong and that he’s sorry, and he needed to know that it’s okay to forgive himself. So we can both find closure,” he says quietly. 

“Oh, honey. When did you become so grown up? That was really kind of you,” Jay tells him softly, and Louis wishes he could hug her. 

“I’m just,” he shrugs, “trying to do the right thing, I guess. You raised all of us to be a good person, and I’m just trying to follow suit.” 

“Louis. You’ve always been a kind kid, you don’t need to prove yourself,” she tells him sincerely, and he shrugs again even though she can’t see it. 

“I do, though,” Louis pauses. “I think I messed things up with Harry.” 

So, Louis tells her everything. About Zayn thinking Harry wanted the wedding to be a date. About Harry breaking up with Marc and not telling him. About how weird Harry acted around Dylan. How he didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day. The weird car ride. 

“Darling, I don’t know Harry. But maybe you need to talk to him” 

“I probably should,” Louis sighs. 

After the phone call he tries calling Harry, but he won’t pick up. 

_I’m sorry about yesterday. Are we okay? If you want to talk, I’m here_ , Louis texts him instead. 

_Don’t worry, it’s alright_ , Harry texts him after five minutes, and Louis accepts it. This is enough, they’ll be fine. 

He spends the rest of the day with his laptop on the couch, crunching numbers and answering e-mails to finish some left-over work from last week. 

_*_

“Is this your sad excuse for Christmas decorations?” Harry asks and points accusingly at the Christmas festoon hung above Louis’ TV. 

It’s the Friday after the wedding-debacle and miraculously, things seem to have set themselves right again. Either way, there is no weird tension between them anymore, and they’re both sitting on the rung in front of the couch, stuffing their faces with Christmas cookies Jay sent by post. 

“I’m a busy man with no time for decorating, sue me,” Louis defends himself half-heartedly. The truth is, he’s just too lazy to get the box of Christmas décor from the basement. 

“Yeah, right. I literally watched you re-arrange your t-shirt drawer ten minutes ago” 

“Shut up. I’m not talking to you anymore.” 

“Come on, you can’t live through December like this. I’ll help you” 

Louis groans, but lets Harry help him get up anyway. 

“The box is in the basement,” Louis says and then slips on his shoes to go and get it. 

He actually does need Harry’s help to carry it all the way upstairs. It’s not his fault that box is so big, alright? 

“See, this is why I didn’t bother to take it up in the first place,” Louis groans as they set it down in the living room. 

Harry laughs and brushes away the dust that has settled on top of it. 

Louis lets him sort through the box while he tries to figure out how to play music over his TV. He knows that it can technically do that, but he never really worked out how. 

After five minutes off pressing random buttons, Wham!’s “Last Christmas” finally booms through the entire living room. 

When Louis gets back to Harry, he’s holding up a stack of pictures.  
“Do you want to keep those?” Harry asks really carefully. 

Louis takes a look at them. They are from last Christmas. He and Dylan spent it in Doncaster, and there are multiple ones of them with flour in their face and hair from baking with the older twins. Another one of them huddled up on the couch, napping after unwrapping gifts on Christmas morning. Louis blowing out the candles on his cake on his birthday, Dylan standing beside him, smiling. 

He takes the flour one, and hands the rest back to Harry, “Just this one. For sentimental reasons.” 

Harry smiles at him and puts them aside. 

“We’re done, but I don’t want to erase the past four years of my life,” Louis says. 

“Hey, you don’t need to explain yourself to me. I get it,” Harry says, and Louis nods. 

After almost two hours, Louis’ entire apartment is decked in green, red and gold and everywhere are fairy lights. He kind of likes it, though. 

They end up watching _Home Alone_ together, covered in blankets, as the sun sets outside and the only thing illuminating the apartment are the Christmas lights and the flickering screen of the TV. 

“Thank you. For everything,” Louis mumbles as the credits roll. “I don’t think I would have made it out of the mess my life was a few months ago without you” 

“I’m a pretty great friend, aren’t I?” Harry jokes, and Louis punches him in the arm. 

"Sorry,” Harry laughs, “You’re welcome. Sometimes you just need a little help, and that’s okay.” 

Louis doesn’t refuse when Harry pulls him into a hug and lets himself drown in the soft fabric of Harry’s sweatshirt. He could stay like this forever. 

* 

December goes by in the blink of an eye. Because he’s taking off the weeks between his birthday and New Year’s, Louis’ desk is bending under the weight of what feels like a thousand files and papers. 

He manages to visit the Christmas market with Liam and Zayn once, but that’s about it when it comes to social interactions. There just isn’t any energy left in him after long hours in the office to actually go out or hang out anywhere. 

The night of the 23rd, Louis drives up to Doncaster, where he spends his birthday eating chocolate cake and drinking punch and celebrates Christmas with his entire family.  
Louis is back in London in time for the New Year’s party that Niall and Harry are hosting, though. Zayn and Liam are going there, too, and when he walks through the door of Harry’s and Niall’s apartment and sees all his friends huddled together and laughing about a joke, it’s almost as good as coming home. 

The apartment is already filled to the brim with people. Louis wasn’t aware Niall had so many friends. All of them seem at least tipsy, and when Louis talks to Liam, his voice is already a little bid slurred. Liam really can’t handle his liquor. 

Niall turns out to be an excellent host, shoving a new drink in Louis’ hand as soon as the previous one is empty. When he starts feeling lightheaded, though, he sets his drink aside and goes for a water instead. He doesn’t really feel the need to be blackout drunk on New Year’s Eve. 

It’s a quarter to midnight when Louis manages to find Harry. He’s in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a drink in his hand when Louis walks in. 

Apart from them, there are a couple more people in the kitchen that Louis doesn’t really know. They pay little attention to him as he claims his favorite spot of this kitchen, on top of the counter opposite to the stove. 

“Hi,” Louis says to Harry, who smiles at him. By the way his cheeks are flushed, Louis can tell that he’s at least a little bit drunk. 

“Hi. How’s your family?” Harry slurs making Louis smile as well. 

“Probably a little soberer than you are, I’m guessing.” 

“98 percent off your family is underage, Lou. I’d sure hope they’re sober” 

Louis snorts. Harry Styles is a mess. Not that he didn’t know it before, but looking at him right now, Louis can’t help but think how he really doesn’t care that he is. 

“My mum is probably asleep on the sofa right this second,” Louis jokes. It’s true, though. 

“She just doesn’t party as hard as you do,” Harry says and makes the two steps it takes for him to walk from one counter to the other. 

He’s standing right between Louis’ legs now, and if Louis was completely sober, he’d probably start worrying right now. He isn’t, though, so he doesn’t. 

“I guess not,” Louis says, smiling fondly down at Harry. 

Distantly, Louis can hear people in the living room starting to yell out the countdown, but he’s too caught up in staring into Harry’s eyes to care. They are bright green with a darker circle around the iris. 

As everyone cheers, their faces are suddenly so close to one another, Louis can feel Harry’s breath on his skin. He’d only to inch his chin forward a little in order to kiss him. 

But – no. He can’t. 

So, he scoots back a little, biting his lip. Harry looks up at him confusedly, all puppy-eyed. 

“Let’s not go there, alright?” Louis says softly, even though, right in this moment, he doesn’t want anything more than to kiss Harry. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Harry says, taking a deep breath with closed eyes. 

“No. I am,” Louis says and jumps off the counter. “Alcohol doesn’t mix well with my logical thought process.” 


	4. Spring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is a little shorter than the last ones, but I hope you still enjoy it!   
> mills x

Spring comes surprisingly early the following year. It’s only the second week of march when London finally seems to become less grey and sunlight lights up Louis’ apartment. 

It’s finally warm enough to go outside without a sweatshirt when Louis makes his way over to Harry’s. 

“Harry’s in the kitchen,” Niall greets him at the front door, apparently getting ready to leave. 

“Thanks. Where are you going?” Louis asks him. 

Niall just smirks at him, before walking out of the door and leaving Louis baffled. 

He shakes out of it, though, and goes to the kitchen where he can hear Harry rummaging around and belting the lyrics to _The Chain_ by Fleetwood Mac. He actually has a pretty decent singing voice, Louis notices. Not that that has any effect on him. Nope. Definetely not. 

“Hi Ha– Oh my God, what are _those_?” Louis interrupts himself, letting out a cackling laugh. 

“Heart-shaped macarons, Louis,” Harry says in a defeated tone. 

The thing is, those might be _supposed_ to be heart-shaped macarons, but the definitely look like balls. The light pink color doesn’t help. 

“Are you sure?” Louis asks giggling and settles down on the top of the counter. The almost-kiss at New Year’s only flashes through his brain for a second. 

“Get your dirty mind out of my kitchen,” Harry scolds him but Louis can tell he doesn’t mean it. So, naturally, he just sticks his tongue out at him and sneaks a grape from the bowl on the counter. 

“Where did Niall go?” Louis asks, changing the topic. 

“’Don’t know. I think he’s dating someone, but he refuses to tell me about it,” Harry explains while he puts some plates into the dishwasher. 

Harry’s wearing a blue and white striped apron over his normal clothes and on every other person in this world, it would look ridiculous. Harry, somehow, looks good in it. Not at all ridiculous. If anything, ridiculously hot. Which, Louis probably shouldn’t think about that. They’re just friends, after all. 

“Hello, Louis, I’m talking to you,” Harry interrupts his thoughts. Probably for the better. 

“Sorry, what?” 

“I said that he sneaks off all the time without telling me,” Harry repeats.   
“Do you always tell him where you’re going?”

“Pretty much, yes. It’s weird, you know. What if he doesn’t want me to know?” Harry says.

“He’ll tell you whenever he’s ready to,” Louis tells him. “Maybe it’s just very new and he doesn’t want anyone to know,” he adds in an afterthought. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Harry sighs and leans against the opposite counter. 

“Come on, don’t worry about him. He’s your best friend, you’d be the first to know” 

“You’re probably right.” 

“I’m always right,” Louis counters. 

“Shut it” 

*  
“Can you hand me the dish soap?” Harry asks. 

It’s way past ten in the evening, and Harry, being the angel that he is, offered to stay after they all watched footie together and help Louis clean up. 

Liam, Zayn and Niall already left. 

Louis hands it to Harry and says, “You know, you really don’t have to do this.”

“I know,” Harry says and smiles at him. 

They wash the dishes in silence for the most part, but it’s okay. They’ve been friends for long enough to be able to not talk for a while and still enjoy each other’s company. 

“My mum is trying to set me up again,” Louis says out of a gut feeling, “Her coworker’s son.”

“And?” Harry asks, stopping in his tracks. 

“I don’t know. She says he’s a paramedic,” Louis watches as Harry turns to him, crossing his arms, “Maybe I’ll go out with him. He seems nice.” 

Louis can physically _see_ how hard Harry swallows. 

“What?” he asks him. 

“Don’t go out with him,” Harry says quietly, almost imperceptibly. 

“I’m sorry?” Louis asks, feeling like he didn’t hear right. 

Harry clears his throat, “Don’t go out with him.” And yeah, Louis did hear him right.   
“Why not?” Louis asks, more confused than ever. 

“Because,” Harry says. He wavers for a second, then takes a step forward. Louis watches him carefully. 

But then, Harry closes the gap between them and cups Louis’ face in his hands, and Louis just _melts_. There is no other way to describe it. His brain goes mushy and his knees get weak and his stomach churns. And then, Harry’s lips are on his, and his mouth is warm and soft. 

It takes a second for Louis to realize that he’s kissing Harry back, just as desperately, hands in his hair, body pressing against his. He needs to stop. 

“Stop,” Louis finally manages to get out. 

Harry moves back only enough to look into Louis’ eyes. “What?”

“Harry. I can’t do this,” Louis says, taking a step back. He needs to get some distance between them.

“Why not?” Harry asks defensively. 

“Because,” Louis waves his hands around while trying to clear his mind, “Because I’m not – I’m not ready for this” 

“Are you fucking serious?” Louis flinches at the volume of Harry’s voice. 

“Yes. I am. In fact, I told you that from the very beginning, remember?” Louis barks. 

“Yeah, I remember. But that was _decades_ ago”

“So, just because it’s been ten months, I’m supposed to be completely over it? I’m. Not. Ready. And I thought, you of all people, would understand that”

“You literally just told me that you want to go out with some guy _you don’t even know_!” Harry yells. 

He’s walking out of the kitchen, and Louis follows him. 

“And you get to decide who I date from now on?” Louis asks incredulously. Harry can’t be serious right now. This isn’t about Harry after all, it’s about him. 

“No, but I’m sick of your fucking hypocrisy, Louis! Not everything is about you, get that in your brain,” Harry snaps as he slips into his shoes. 

“My hypocrisy? You just jumped me”

Which, okay, might not be exactly how things happened.   
“Why do you always do that?” Harry asks, “Every single time you allow me to make a step forward, you push me away two steps. I’m so sick of you not knowing what you want and playing with my feelings like – like you don’t fucking care”

“How was I to know you have feelings for me? Am I supposed to do? Guess?” 

“I don’t even know what to say to that,” Harry says, voice suddenly much quieter. He sounds defeated. “I’m done proving myself to you.” And with that, Harry grabs his jacket and is out of the door. 

Louis just stands there, staring at the closed to in front of his face. _What the fuck did just happen?_

Out of ideas, he calls Zayn. 

“The weirdest thing just happened with Harry,” he says instead of saying hello. 

“You guys finally boned?” Zayn asks.

“What? No. He kissed me. Well, I kissed him back, but that doesn’t matter. And then we had the weirdest fight about whether I should go out with that paramedic guy I told you about and then he said something about having feelings for me and that I always push him away,” Louis rambles.

“It’s not like that’s a surprise,” Zayn says, and – Hello? Yes, it fucking is. 

“What are you talking about?” Louis asks, flopping down on his couch. God, he’s exhausted. 

“You’re really that oblivious, huh? Louis, the poor guy has been in love with you since last summer” 

This can’t be true. 

“That’s not true,” Louis says, weakly. 

He knows Zayn is probably right. The wedding. The almost-kiss at New Year’s. Harry always being around whenever he needed him. 

“Have you seen the way he looks at you?” Zayn scoffs. 

“What do I do?” Louis asks, voice audibly growing desperate. 

“Well, do you have feelings for him?” 

“I don’t know,” he says, shrugging. 

“Maybe figure that out and then you can go from there, alright?” 

“Yeah. Thanks,” Louis says. 

“Always. Go to bed, okay? You can always figure things out in the morning” 

“I will. Good night.” 

Except, no matter what he does, Louis’ body refuses to fall asleep. He’s tossing and turning for the entire night. 

Yes, he likes having Harry around. And he would be lying if he said he wasn’t attracted to him. The hair, the dimples, the way Harry’s voice vibrates when he talks and how his eyes crinkle when he laughs. He’s tall and handsome and okay, Louis might have thought about that before. 

But Louis is not ready to date. The paramedic guy would have been one thing, because if that went badly, there wouldn’t be a ruined friendship at the end of it. He’s not willing to sacrifice that. 

*

Without Harry around, the days creep by slower and slower. Louis doesn’t dare call him in fear of Harry being still mad at him. He doesn’t want to fight again. The fights they had up until that point were always similar, but never as bad as this one. Also, Louis doesn’t want to hurt Harry in any way by forcing himself into his life when being friends isn’t what Harry wants. 

So, Louis does nothing. He goes to work, calls his family, hangs out with Zayn and Liam but avoids the coffee shop and everything else that has to do with Harry. 

His friends watch that for about two weeks, and then Liam seems to have had enough. 

“Tommo, you gotta stop moping around. I can’t watch this any longer,” he says out of the blue, causing Louis to stop in his tracks. 

He looks over to Liam who is sitting on the garden couch in their patio, clicking through online articles on his laptop. 

“What? I’m not doing that,” Louis defends himself. 

“Come on, I can tell that you’re thinking about him like 24/7,” Liam says, closing his laptop. 

“Not true,” Louis responds, but it might have been a lie. 

“Shut it, Tomlinson. Why don’t you just tell him that you’re a big sap and in love with him?”

“I am not –,“ he starts, but stops himself. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”   
“Because. He’s _Harry_ ,” Louis says as if that would explain everything. 

“Exactly. He’s Harry, what are you afraid of?” 

Liam scoots closer to Louis, bumping their shoulders. 

“Losing him, I guess,” he finally admits. He doesn’t realize that’s what he is scared of until he says it out loud. 

“What if I start dating him, and shit goes wrong? Like, I realize I haven’t closed the Dylan-chapter all the way, or that I don’t have the same feelings that Harry does? I don’t want to risk losing him” 

“Listen to me. I haven’t heard Dylan’s name out of your mouth for weeks now. Trust me when I say that you’re done with him, alright? And the way you talk about Harry? You’re already head over heels, mate. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be so afraid of losing him,” Liam says and squeezes Louis’ knee. 

Maybe he’s right. Maybe there is no need to be such a coward. 

“Talk to him. The only way you might lose him is if you don’t” 

“You think so?” Louis asks. God, he feels like a thirteen-year old boy having his first crush. 

“I don’t know. He waited for you for an eternity, but,” Liam shrugs, “maybe he thinks that you really don’t want him. 

“I mean, think about it. You would have gone out with someone else and then blew him off when he told you he had feelings for you.” 

“Shit,” Louis groans and lets himself sink into the cushions. “I really messed up big time, huh?” 

“It’s not like you can’t fix it, though,” Liam says. 

*

Louis tries calling Harry over and over again, but he won’t pick up. It’s a Thursday night, so Louis guesses his best chance of finding him is probably at his apartment. If not, he can always ask Niall where he is. 

It starts raining the second Louis gets off the tube to go to Harry’s apartment, and he curses under his breath as he steps into a puddle and feels the cold water soak through the fabric of his shoes. 

By the time he actually reaches the apartment complex, his fringe sticks to his forehead and his jeans are clammy. He probably looks absolutely ridiculous.   
But once he looks up the red brick wall off the building, he sees light in the apartment Niall and Harry rent and a person that might be Harry standing in the living room. It fills him with relief and anxiety at the same time. On one hand, he doesn’t have to find Harry and on the other hand, he’s completely terrified of what’s about to happen. 

He rings the doorbell anyway and is shortly buzzed up. Seems like Harry doesn’t care who enters this building, which can’t be safe. 

He expects Harry to be standing at the apartment door, but it’s left wide open and Louis can hear the TV playing in the living room. 

Louis slowly enters the apartment, unsure about what to say. 

“Here’s a question: Why can’t you remember to take your keys wi – “ Harry stops talking when he spots Louis standing in the entryway. 

“You’re not Niall,” Harry says, eyes wide. 

“No,” Louis says and smiles. 

He must look pathetic. 

“Why are you here?” Harry asks, suddenly a lot more closed off. It physically hurts Louis’ heart to see him react that way to him. 

“To apologize,” Louis says quietly. 

When Harry doesn’t say anything but instead just looks at him with raised eyebrows, Louis sighs. 

“I’m sorry, Harry. I never listened when you tried to tell me how you felt because I was too busy trying to protect myself. I should have realized I was hurting you in the process, and I’m really sorry for that. 

“I’m also sorry for being an oblivious idiot and not picking up what you put down. You’re a really good person and I don’t know how you dealt with me being that fucking stupid for so long. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I’m such a coward. I’m sorry I made you feel like you’re not good enough and like you’d be my last choice.” 

Louis swallows. This is it. Louis probably has never felt this naked, ever in his life. He watches Harry’s face closely as he keeps talking and he can tell his façade is slowly melting away.

“Because, you’re not. I’m done being a coward and if anything, you’re too good for me. What I’m trying to say is that – that I’m in love with you and I’m sorry it took so long. So, if you’ll still have me – “ 

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence, because suddenly, Harry is really close to him, once again causing his mind to go absolutely blank.   
The only thing he seems to be able to focus on are Harry’s pink lips that fall gently open right before Louis puts his arms around Harry’s neck and kisses him. 

“Apology accepted,” Harry murmurs when they break apart and Louis smiles a crooked smile. 

Their faces are still close, and Louis can tell Harry is scanning his face by the way his eyes flicker. 

“I meant every word of it,” he says quietly in order not to burst their bubble. It feels like they are the only people in London. 

“You’re in love with me,” Harry breathes. 

“Yeah” 

Harry kisses him again, soft and tender like Louis could dissolve in his hands any second. It makes him feel so light that if he tried really heard, he could actually hover above the ground. Maybe he already does. 

“So, where does that leave us?” He asks Harry, who smiles almost shyly. 

“Boyfriends?” He suggests. 

“Sounds good to me,” Louis replies, and kisses Harry again. 

If he had any say in this, they would never stop doing this. Louis can’t quite believe it took him so long to realize that this is what he wanted. Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry. It’s like his names takes up every inch in his brain. Not that he’s complaining, though.


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it.  
> Thank you all for bearing with me and coming back for the last chapter. I hope you all enjoy(ed) reading! 
> 
> mills x

**One Year Later**

“Louis, babe? Where are you?” Harry calls from somewhere in Louis’ apartment, but Louis ignores it. 

He’s gonna find him either way. 

Instead, he straightens the crumbled, bright yellow piece of paper in his hand. The glue on the back of it isn’t sticky anymore, it has fallen victim to fuzz and crumbles. 

The writing on the paper is smeared, but still legible. _stop checking on them, they don’t miss you_. It’s weird. Louis hasn’t thought of Dylan and their messy break up in months, however, he still remembers scribbling it onto the paper and putting it up next to his mirror as if that was yesterday. 

A pair of arms hugs his waist from behind, and Louis automatically leans into Harry’s body, instantly relaxing. 

“Look what I found,” he says without looking up from the paper. 

“Huh,” Harry replies, “Didn’t know that still existed.” 

“Yeah,” Louis huffs out with a smile on his face. “A lot has changed since I wrote that,” he adds. 

“Are you happy it did?” Harry asks in a muffled voice. His nose and half of his mouth are pressed against the nape of Louis’ neck, and he can feel it move as Harry talks. 

Louis turns around to look at Harry properly. 

“Are you kidding me? Of course, I am. I went from being utterly heartbroken to moving into our first apartment together. How could I _not_ be happy?”

“Just wanted to make sure,” Harry says and presses a kiss onto Louis’ cheek. “Now, get your ass moving and pack up all this stuff. The moving company will be here in twenty minutes.” 

Louis watches as Harry leaves the bathroom. Looking around, he realizes that there are only a couple things left. The shower gel in the shower, a half-empty bottle of Harry’s conditioner and deodorant in an already packed box on the floor. The towel on the hook beside the sink and a bar of soap in the soap dish. The yellow note in Louis’ hand. 

He shoves it into the pocket of his sweatpants before he starts putting the stuff into the last box. 

“All done,” he calls out to Harry as he carries the box to the others in the living room. 

His empty apartment feels uncomfortable to him. On the walls are bright spots where his photos and paintings used to be, and he almost doesn’t recognize the living room without its furniture. 

“I can’t believe I’m not going to live here anymore. I’m going to look over everything tomorrow and then I’ll give back my keys and never come here again,” Louis says to Harry who is putting a labeling sticker on the box Louis just put down. _Bathroom_ , it says in his cursive handwriting. 

“Yeah. ‘Felt weird leaving Niall’s and my place, too,” Harry says and stands up straight again. “But our new place is also really great”

“It is,” Louis says and wraps his arm around Harry’s waist, “I can’t wait to live there” 

“Let’s go home.”

*

To be honest, their new place doesn’t look that homey just yet. There are boxes and suitcases in every room and the curtain rods are still empty because Harry insisted on choosing curtains last, for whatever reason. The only things set up already are the couch in the living room, the kitchen table and the bed. 

It’s a mess, but it’s _their_ mess, and Louis loves every single bit of it. 

“Where do we even start?” Harry asks, half bemused and half desperate. His face makes Louis laugh out loud. 

“I labelled all the rooms, so the moving guys can put the boxes in the right rooms. How about we start in the kitchen? So we actually have plates to eat on?” Louis suggest. 

“Alright, that sounds smart.” 

By the time they are done with the kitchen, Zayn and Liam are standing in their hallway to help out. 

“Shit, this is awesome. The pictures really don’t do the place justice,” Liam says as he walks in. 

“Right? We’re pretty lucky we were fast enough or someone else would have gotten it,” Harry says, getting up from where he’d been sitting on the floor of the kitchen, sorting through cutlery. 

“We brought you take-out. Figured the kitchen wouldn’t be ready to be cooked in yet,” Zayn says and swings the plastic bags around to underline his words. 

“You are an absolute angel,” Louis calls out, jumping up and flings himself at Zayn.   
“Don’t act like I would have let you starve, Louis,” Harry scoffs, but Louis just sticks his tongue out at him. 

They eat on the living room floor between boxes as they don’t have chairs to accompany the kitchen table. They’ll get here tomorrow, though. 

“I thought you could help us set up some shelves and the TV and stuff,” Louis says between two bites. 

“Alright, we can do that. Anything else?” Zayn answers. 

Harry starts talking about the big mirror he needs help setting up in the bedroom and sound systems and Louis automatically stops paying attention. They’ve been over their plans for this apartment for months, at this point, he knows every detail by heart. 

Instead, he looks around the apartment. It’s exactly what they were looking for. Two bedrooms, a big bathroom and lots of natural light. 

The hardwood floor is a bright auburn color, the ceilings are tall, and the doorframes painted a coal white. 

A happy feeling bubbles up in Louis as if someone opened a bottle of his favorite champagne inside of him. He leans into Harry, cheek resting on his shoulder. 

Harry stops talking for a second to look at him with a bright grin on his face and then resumes, but not without pushing his knee into Louis’.

Setting up everything takes forever. And Louis is not known best for his patience. 

Eventually, Zayn, Liam and Harry get tired of his whining and banish him from helping setting up shelves and all the technology stuff in the living room. 

Instead, he retreats to their bedroom and starts making the bed. Fitted sheets, duvets, pillows and throw-blankets. A rug on each side of the bed so Harry won’t complain about getting cold feet when he has to get up in the mornings. 

Louis just starts unpacking some of his clothes when Harry enters. 

“This looks great,” he says and lets himself fall onto the bed. 

“Hey, I just made that!” Louis complains, but he can’t really be mad at him. 

Not when Harry looks so perfectly content with himself. His shirt is riding up a little, just enough to expose the edge of his tattoo. If he couldn’t hear their friends talking in the living room, Louis would – _Don’t even go there_ , he tells himself. 

“The internet guy just called, they’ll come by tomorrow morning to install the router,” Harry informs Louis.   
“Okay. Did he say what time? Because we need to pick up the chairs, and we need to go grocery shopping,” Louis answers. “Oh, and we need those thingies to cover the TV cables. Do you know where we can buy them?” 

“Lou, babe, relax. We can figure that out tomorrow,” Harry says and closes his eyes.

“I’m just saying,” Louis shrugs and bends over to get another set of shirts from the box to his feet, “I have to go back to work the day after tomorrow and I want to have all the important stuff done by that time.” 

“C’mere,” Harry says, holding an arm out to him. 

For a second, Louis debates whether he should just ignore him and finish putting away his shirts. But he gives in and lies down next to Harry, who pulls him in for a cuddle immediately. 

Louis feels his muscle relax as he shifts around to find a more comfortable position. In the end, Harry is still lying on his back, and Louis props his chin up on Harry’s chest. 

“All I want is for this place to be home. For both of us,” Louis sighs. 

“And it will be. It already is, alright? You don’t need to stress yourself out over TV cables and chairs that need to be picked up,” Harry says, and his fingers trace the outlines of Louis’ tattoos on his arms. 

“I guess,” Louis says. 

From this angle, he can see the scar on the bottom of Harry’s chin. He distantly remembers Harry telling him the story of it, but he can’t quite recall any details. 

“Look. I’d move into the shittiest apartment with you, with mold in the bathroom and cockroaches in the kitchen, and it would still feel like home, because you’re there and you _make_ it home,” Harry says. 

“I’m glad we don’t have mold and cockroaches,” Louis laughs, and Harry leans in for a kiss. 

“See? It’s all going to be alright.” 

Something in the living room crashes, and then there are loud curses from both Liam and Zayn. 

“I think we need to go check on them,” Harry says and Louis groans. 

*

“H? Are you awake?” Louis whispers. It’s past two in the morning, and even though they went to bed an hour ago, he is still wide awake.   
Liam and Zayn stayed until dinner, and after that Niall and his girlfriend joined them. They brought home-made food with them, returning the favor. When they moved into their apartment two weeks ago, Harry supplied them with meals for the first few days. 

It was fun to hang out with all of them, but Louis was glad when they left anyway. He wanted to have Harry and their apartment to himself. 

Now, Harry is wrapped around him, and Louis can feel his chest lifting and lowering with every breath. 

“Depends,” Harry says, making Louis chuckle. His voice is deep and raspy, he must have been on the verge of falling asleep. 

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“It’s alright.” 

The sheets rustle and swish as Louis turns around to be able to look at Harry. In the dark, he can only make out vague features of his face. 

“I think I’m too happy to fall asleep,” Louis admits. 

“I’ve heard you complain about a lot of things, babe, but this is a first,” Harry says and even though Louis can’t see his smile, he can hear it in his voice. 

“Shut up. You know what I mean,” Louis says, nudging Harry’s leg with his knee underneath the duvet. 

“Yeah, I know.” 

For a while, the only thing Louis can hear is their breaths and the occasional rustle of the sheets. 

Then, Harry says, “It’s nice to have something that’s just ours.” 

“Yeah,” Louis agrees, “no more Niall barging in on us.” 

Harry groans, “Don’t remind me.”

The darkness of the bedroom wraps around them like a blanket, making Louis feel as if this is their cocoon in which time doesn’t exist. 

“It’s funny, y’know,” he starts, letting his hand fall to Harry’s waist, “you’re the first person I ever moved in with. After living with my family back home for so long, all I wanted was to have a space that no one can disturb me in. 

“But with you, I don’t know. ‘Feels right, is all” 

What he really wants to say is something else. He wants to tell him how with his ex, he never felt ready to take the step to move in with him – long distance aside. Harry is different, though. Louis can imagine living his entire life with him, he doesn’t care that they only have been together for a year. 

To him, Harry feels like home. No matter how stressful his day was or how anxious he feels, being around Harry always helps. Of course, they fight from time to time and Harry can be really obnoxious, but it’s something he is willing to put up with. 

“You mean I don’t disturb you?” Harry asks cheekily. 

“No, you don’t understand. You’re very disturbing. And distracting. And the shower is always slippery because of your conditioner. And – “

Harry shuts him up with a kiss, making both of them laugh when they break apart. 

“I really love you,” Harry says brightly. 

“And I love you the most,” Louis says, pressing a kiss onto Harry’s face between every word. He feels weirdly silly, almost like he’s drunk. 

“You’re on crack, Louis Tomlinson,” Harry says, laughing. 

“You dig it. No, I’m serious, Haz. You’re – The right person for me,” Louis admits in a more serious tone. 

Harry looks at him for a second before he says, “You’re pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me” 

“I want everything with you,” Louis whispers, “House, garden, white picket fence, kids. All that.” 

It feels like a weight has been lifted up from his chest. When they started talking about moving in together more seriously, Louis realized that it came down to two scenarios. 

Number one: They move in together but realize they can’t stand each other after a few months and break up. 

Number two: They move in together and don’t break up. This would lead to more serious plans for the future, like marriage and kids. 

He couldn’t imagine not being with Harry for one second. There was no way in his mind that that was going to happen. And then Louis started thinking about option number two, and that thought has been stuck in his brain ever since. 

“Yeah. That sounds nice. I want a dog, too,” Harry says, and Louis shifts even closer to him. 

His heart beats so fast and loud, he feels it might jump out of his chest.   
“We can get a dog,” Louis says contently. 

“We should name him Pepper,” Harry says, voice very distant. 

Louis knows he’s a second away from falling asleep, so he doesn’t bother with responding. He has learned that Harry won’t remember the next morning anyway. Instead, he lets his muscles relax and listens to Harry breathe while he falls asleep.


End file.
